it’s 12 am sunday morning. the city is suffocating me tonight; this city and its happy summer evening hanging like a bad smell around my apartment.
i can’t sleep.
i’ve been napping on and off since friday night but wake up each time feeling more and more drained. probably because between napping i’ve been crying. a lot. mr hardman broke up with me last night see.
it’s not me, he says, it’s him. he loves me but i’m doing his head in and he can’t think straight anymore.
so, actually, it is me.
i’m pressuring him; i don’t connect with his friends in a manner that is satisfactory to him; he doesn’t have time for my incessant demands of communication and spending some one on one time together…
i’m not going to pretend i’m an angel to be with. but i can’t help wonder if a month’s worth of pot-smoking every night and a possessive friend has anything to do with his sudden change of heart.
whatever.
it doesn’t make the sadness and the disappointment go away. i really, really thought this was different. mostly, i suppose, because i have never fallen in love so hard and so quickly and opened myself so absolutely to someone before.
but as labushka says with love: ‘harden the fuck up dot.’
so yeah, i have to suck it up and accept that he’s just not that into me anymore.
12.21
i’m trying to follow beaverboosh‘s advice about doing something, anything instead of lying in bed if i can’t sleep. ‘just get up and work, blog, think or whatever… DO NOT stay in bed, it is soul destroying…’
but all i can write/think/talk about is this. and that feels soul destroying also.
i hate this part right here.
12.41
you're beautiful and wonderful. You can't cook for shit but I can change you XXX
February 20, 2010 at 11:50 pm
Boo.
February 21, 2010 at 2:15 am
hi. i was tossing and turning then too. also had bad night's sleep last night. wish i'd gotten up and read your post instead of lying in bed being soul destroying.
February 21, 2010 at 7:51 am
thanks doods
February 21, 2010 at 8:04 am
Break-ups are the most suckiest thing ever – fact!
February 21, 2010 at 8:30 am
Hmmm…. you're surprised because the 'pot-head who still loves you but you're somehow doing his head in' (you obviously have powers of mind-control)broke up with you? You're really surprised? Either you have the worst taste in men (possible from this experience) or you're that person who actually would buy the Brooklin Bridge if you could (call me if you are though, coz I do have other bridges you could look at) or you're so desperate to be with someone you're pathologically happy to overlook his "quirks" ie his obviously closet gay tendencies (if his possessive friend is a guy) and the pot binges. I'm honestly sorry for you, a break up sux, but seriously… do you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, his pot and his closet gay friend? So now, go to the mirror and tells yourself how damn clever you are for dodging this obvious-to-everyone but you soul destroying relationship and get out there and spread rumours of his gay tendencies which he can't come to terms with hence the behavioral problems. Or call me, you sound like fun :)
February 21, 2010 at 12:33 pm
@shello :) thanks for the tough love there shell… but you extrapolated from his possessive friend that he's gay? that person is a she. you're funny though and most probably right. he's awesome when not stoned. oh well,
February 21, 2010 at 2:54 pm
I actually had a feeling afterwards that it was a "she" because of the possessiveness part (an ever so slight sexist remark but tough). That's okay, at the end of the day the bastard was going to disappoint and hurt you at some point, rather now than a year or two down the line… oh and just to quash any doubts… he definitely was going to hurt you at some point, the entire "it's not you it's me but you're to blame for that" gives it away, no getting around it. Still it sux… this might help (it helped me a teeny bit). It's just cute and cool :) hang tuff!
February 21, 2010 at 6:56 pm
*ska-weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze*
February 22, 2010 at 7:09 am
I've never known a man with a possessive female "friend" before. She sounds like a bitch, I feel your pain sista…..
February 23, 2010 at 8:29 pm
thanks NM.
February 24, 2010 at 11:11 am
I am going through this right now. Apparently I cause too much drama, he used to call it passion! Men.Meh.
April 18, 2010 at 10:31 pm
Hey… oh god, I'm just not glib enough, but I love your blog.
June 19, 2010 at 7:37 pm