I think the thing that really strikes me about Master D is his incredible attention to everything i say or write. there is nothing that goes unnoticed. if i don’t answer one of the five questions he’s buried in an short essay on trust he’s sent, he reminds me to answer. if i mention i had a troubled day and couldn’t reply to an email, he wants to know what troubled me. he’s not amused at how late my responses are.
understand clearly, this is not a love relationship. i find him mostly attractive, but not in a way that appeals very sexually (i’ve never really been into blondes anyway). our arrangement is one of my learning and his teaching. i suppose i didn’t expect this amount of attention to detail, or a thorough investigation of my sexuality with questionnaires and discussions on limits and what trust is (all the better to fuck you, my dear), from someone not romantically involved with me.
before the questionnaire (put together by m) he sent me an email on trust, asking me what i thought the difference in trust is between vanilla and D/s relationships and how much i trusted him currently and why. but the question that stubbed me?
“what are your conditions for trust?”
what are my conditions for trust. my brain squirmed around this one even in the context of a ‘vanilla’ relationship or even friendship. to be honest i didn’t really even understand the question. i’ve always pictured trust as this nebulous instinct that i may or may not have towards someone. ‘conditions’ have been unspoken or only barely verbalised, full of assumptions of what is right and wrong. lie and you are not trustworthy. steal (time, affection) and you are not trustworthy. but these are conditions laid and seen only after the fact.
what are my conditions for trust from the get go?
i still don’t have an answer to that. i do not understand trust. and i certainly do not understand conditions for this. it is the grander picture i’m attempting to paint with morla. and i suspect i am learning more about this from Master D, who is both consistent, patiently unrelenting and keenly interested without crossing boundaries. he considers as i do.
and this has been patent from the start. which is why, when i got my first task i was willing to do it.
- You are not allowed to wear underwear (slip, not bra) without special permission anymore. If you want to wear you have to ask.
- You can ask via e-mail, sms or phone but keep in mind that I am not reachable all the time at the moment. So you better ask in advance and plan in advance :-).
- Every time you realize that you are not wearing underwear you have to remember that you are doing this only for and that it is your free will to obey, to experience deeper emotions and new feelings.
giving up control on something that every day, was harder than i would’ve thought. i like bras, i like what they do for my breasts and, far from being a symbol of the patriarchy in ye olde bra-burning days, i think they add to my sexuality.
christ…i got so much more to say, but i gotta go see morla.