So I found myself a dominant. And it’s HOT. I mean, distractingly so. To such a degree that it’s hard not to escape to the loo for a bit of self-love halfway through a work-day. In your explorations, you mentioned once, some people will have vanilla mono relationships, and yet have kink thing going on the side. How in the hell do they manage this? Currently, I have only had two sensual plays with my Dom, but my boyfriend doesn’t know. My Dom happens to also be really good friend of mine. There is some chemistry between us, but for loads of reasons, romance is out of the question. My boyfriend and I have tried kink, and he is simply not self-confident enough. My Dom literally growls at me. It’s hot as hell. But since there is no sex, I go home with wet knickers and my vibe. How guilty should I feel, if I continue with this? I know my boyfriend won’t be comfortable with me having submission sessions alone with my Dom.
How guilty should you feel? How guilty do you feel?
Here’s the ideal world: You and your bf have a mature discussion about your different sexual needs and how these can be catered for within boundaries you both agree on. Maybe you agree that private sessions are fine and he trusts that. Maybe you agree that he gets to watch a play, which is performed in your house so that after the Dom leaves you can fuck your bf’s brains out. Maybe he agrees to learn (Doms can be taught; some newbies just don’t know they have it in them) and grow into fulfilling that part of your kink.
Here’s why it probably won’t work: You’ll have to work through jealousy issues and your relationship will have to be super, super strong to ride that out. You’ll need to be 100% honest about your feelings. This can be done and it can deepen your relationship, but few couples manage this successfully. Also, no Dom worth their salt and that is not getting paid to provide a service will ever, EVER be ok with coming in simply to get you off so that you can then shag your bf. You are already acting like 24/7 sub as he has your head. That’s what they get off on. Also this Dom is a friend?? You are so kidding yourself that this isn’t something more.
If you’re nipping off to the loo for a wank YOU ARE ALREADY WON OVER
Here’s what you could do: I would suggest having the above-mentioned convo. Those people I was talking about that manage it on the side, go to someone who provides a service. It is a straight transaction within a time limit. What you’re experiencing with Dom is a D/s relationship, regardless how much a ‘play’ you think it is. trust me, i know. if you’re nipping off to the loo for a wank YOU ARE ALREADY WON OVER (also, i would watch that. if i get to that point i know it’s becoming a bit obsessive and unhealthy and then there’s the whole WORK thing). re-evaluate your relationship with your bf and really be honest about whether it’s feeding you the way it needs to. if you enter into a monogamous relationship with someone you better be damn sure that you’re both on in the same book, let alone the same page, sexually … or at least be willing to explore your evolving sexualities.