Dotty
So I found myself a dominant. And it’s HOT. I mean, distractingly so. To such a degree that it’s hard not to escape to the loo for a bit of self-love halfway through a work-day. In your explorations, you mentioned once, some people will have vanilla mono relationships, and yet have kink thing going on the side. How in the hell do they manage this? Currently, I have only had two sensual plays with my Dom, but my boyfriend doesn’t know. My Dom happens to also be really good friend of mine. There is some chemistry between us, but for loads of reasons, romance is out of the question. My boyfriend and I have tried kink, and he is simply not self-confident enough. My Dom literally growls at me. It’s hot as hell. But since there is no sex, I go home with wet knickers and my vibe. How guilty should I feel, if I continue with this? I know my boyfriend won’t be comfortable with me having submission sessions alone with my Dom.
Sub Conscious
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Dear SC
How guilty should you feel? How guilty do you feel?
Here’s the ideal world: You and your bf have a mature discussion about your different sexual needs and how these can be catered for within boundaries you both agree on. Maybe you agree that private sessions are fine and he trusts that. Maybe you agree that he gets to watch a play, which is performed in your house so that after the Dom leaves you can fuck your bf’s brains out. Maybe he agrees to learn (Doms can be taught; some newbies just don’t know they have it in them) and grow into fulfilling that part of your kink.
Here’s why it probably won’t work: You’ll have to work through jealousy issues and your relationship will have to be super, super strong to ride that out. You’ll need to be 100% honest about your feelings. This can be done and it can deepen your relationship, but few couples manage this successfully. Also, no Dom worth their salt and that is not getting paid to provide a service will ever, EVER be ok with coming in simply to get you off so that you can then shag your bf. You are already acting like 24/7 sub as he has your head. That’s what they get off on. Also this Dom is a friend?? You are so kidding yourself that this isn’t something more.
If you’re nipping off to the loo for a wank YOU ARE ALREADY WON OVER
Here’s what you could do: I would suggest having the above-mentioned convo. Those people I was talking about that manage it on the side, go to someone who provides a service. It is a straight transaction within a time limit. What you’re experiencing with Dom is a D/s relationship, regardless how much a ‘play’ you think it is. trust me, i know. if you’re nipping off to the loo for a wank YOU ARE ALREADY WON OVER (also, i would watch that. if i get to that point i know it’s becoming a bit obsessive and unhealthy and then there’s the whole WORK thing). re-evaluate your relationship with your bf and really be honest about whether it’s feeding you the way it needs to. if you enter into a monogamous relationship with someone you better be damn sure that you’re both on in the same book, let alone the same page, sexually … or at least be willing to explore your evolving sexualities.
The “ideal world” presented here exists – for many couples who have negotiated some form of open/non-monogamous/polyamorous relationship. These relationships come in infinite shapes and forms, based on the needs/motivations and limitations of the individuals involved.
Usually, I would disagree with telling someone “it probably won’t work”. Countless couples living non-monogamous relationships prove otherwise. BUT SC has already started down this path before talking to her boyfriend. That is a big mistake – jealousy, boundaries and all that can be negotiated with open, honest and regular communication. But if SC starts now, she’s starting with broken trust… and trust is a key ingredient for the disucssions SC and her bf need to be having.
If a Dom is something SC really needs, she needs to have that discussion with her bf. And then move at his pace towards finding a solution. And respect him and his needs. Telling him I need a Dom and guess what I already have one…. thats going to result in a lot of damage that will need repairing before SC can seriously consider going outside of the relationship to have these needs met.
If he cannot fathom becoming more dominant, or allowing SC outside play, then she needs to evaluate just how important this is. Sexual compatability is an important part of relationships, in my opinion.
July 12, 2012 at 11:41 am
Great input Africa, and yes ‘it probably won’t work’ needed qualification … which you’ve done perfectly here.
xx
July 12, 2012 at 11:46 am
Going through something much like this right now, what a fortuitous visit. Appreciating the input here – thanks ladies.
July 12, 2012 at 2:54 pm
I am just curious… Is your dom male or female? As you keeping referring to it as “it’s”
July 12, 2012 at 7:18 pm
OK, I get it:) The play is IT n it’s hot…!
July 12, 2012 at 7:20 pm
update: we have spoken. and he isnt sure what the whole business entails, but is happy for me to have play sessions on my own, since he doesnt want me to feel judged or uncomfortable.
my dom and i have also chatted. i told him how i feel. and he agrees that we must just be mindfull of emotions and rather talk about it.
my hormones have since subsided, after the initial ‘oh my god!’
my bf and i have been to a play party this past weekend. it was awkward, since he pretty much hated everything about the place. i am looking into maybe a more classy place to try next.
the clincher is, my bf and i arent serious. two years in, and no co-habitation or any future talk. he is also not jealous at all. i offered that he could watch if he wanted.
this is a journey i have been picking at for a while. and its like a shoe that fits perfectly. my deceased libido has done a lazarus. i really feel, thar this is a platform to find my sexuality. find myself even. and im not sure i want my bf around to cast a shadow over it. and he seems happy to let me explore as well.
time will tell i guess
July 12, 2012 at 8:12 pm
good luck xxx
July 12, 2012 at 11:27 pm
Sounds like you know you need this exploration, hope it will be fulfilling in every way. Remember to communicate, own your emotions, and be kind.
Some sources that really helped me along a similar journey have been the lovely forums:
http://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMCommunity
http://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory
And the books:
Ethical Slut (written by a pair of hippy grannies, so take their tone with a pinch of salt, but loads of gems in here)
Sex at Dawn
Opening Up
There are also tons of brillian sex-positive blogs out there which offer insight.
July 13, 2012 at 11:21 am