Hi there Dot.

I’m in need of some serious advice! My girlfriend, we being dating for almost 2years now, we both are age 22. First 2/3 months the sex was great. As time went on we stopped having it and now its only probably once a month. When I ask her why she answer “She does not want it” “she can live without it”. Once she answered “I’m over sex” . Because she has had many sexually partners, where iv only had 2 and still want to experience many things. Our relationship is very good other wise and very serious on an emotional level we connect very well and wedding bells are even in the picture but there is NO physical attraction from her. I always got to make a move and even when we do have it off, it feels like she not into it,I give her all the attention during sex. This is now leading to me feeling very bad about myself. Iv tried talking about it and how we can get thing better but her answers are always ” I don’t know” . I just want to know what can I do to change this and have a better sex life or more like HAVE one?

Frustrated

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Dear Frustrated

I’m not going to lie. your email scares me and makes me feel mean. it makes me feel mean because i just want to shout out some glaring (to me at least) points when what you probably need is some tough, but gentle love here.

what you probably want to be told is that she’s going through a phase and if you just bought her more flowers and cooked dinner once in a while and romanced her she’d be all over you like white on rice. that every relationship goes through a dip, that an emotional and intellectual connection is what a real relationship is based on and that once you guys decide to tie the knot it’ll get better.

but i’m not going to say that am i?

because we don’t know what’s going on in her head and nothing you do is going to change her behaviour. nothing you do is going to make her WANT to have sex with you, especially if she’s so ‘over it’. if she’s not fucking you, it’s because she doesn’t want to fuck you. if she’s not making any effort to engage with you on some middle ground she doesn’t want to.

Really believe her when she says “I don’t want it” “can live without it” or is “over sex” … this is a pretty clear message

because you don’t need more proof that this relationship is going nowhere fast than her actions and her words. really believe her when she says “I don’t want it” “can live without it” or is “over sex” … this is a pretty clear message she’s putting down. pick it up.

because YOU ARE 22: TWENTY TWO. and that means, you should be having fun and exploring and testing your boundaries and tastes and finding out what you want … that doesn’t change whatever age you are but right now, your circumstances FULLY support that adventure and all you’re doing is wondering how to tie yourself down with someone who is clearly incompatible with you and…

because YOU ARE THINKING OF ENTERING INTO HOLY MATRIMONY ETC ETC with this person who doesn’t want to fuck you now or for the foreseeable future (read: ever).

sigh.

so. you want to know what you can do to change this and have better sex or any sex at all? the answer doesn’t start with her, my love. stop being a boring yawn fest, waiting for her to suddenly snap back to life. leave, run free, go get the sex you want with people who want to sex you up, instead of spending the next two years in a mess of moaning, denial, blame and trying to change her. like my therapist would say: why are you insisting on dragging this dead horse with you. let it go.

it’s not going to be easy to make the cut; breakups are never fun … but until you start taking decisive action for YOURSELF, shit is never going to change. and your willy will fall off.

dot, out.

x