Been wondering, i just started seeing a new guy now , we had sex for the first time, he is really really huge …im 24 years old and had a few well endowed partner before …but this one takes the cake… at first it felt like i was losing my virginity all over again second time round felt much better… now i was wondering do women stretch ? im just worried what if things between us dont last , will i ever enjoy sex again with a guy with a small penis? lol this may be kinda silly of me but im curious as to what your knowledge on this is?
hi dot….my boyfriend is, like any other man addicted to porn. we have been together for 5 years, and he knows that i don’t like it, yet he still does it secretly. unknowingly he gives signs to me that he has it. always hidden under some random name or in hidden folders. should i stay or go?we live together, tired of struggeling with the same issue, coz i dont know how to handle it. he just doesnt stop it.
Really? you wanna leave your guy because he watches porn??? this is insane! im a young female and do not see anyting wrong with entertaining yourself with porn from time to time…actually its quite intriguing. ever thought that you are the issue here? hey dont get me wrong im not judging , im just saying think about it… dont try and change him … if porn is a issue in your relationship i suggest you give your relationship some thought…
ag jirre Dot. you know mos.
i am starting to become embarrased at my non-existant libido.
my friends have status updated about impromptu early morning bonks. and people here are seriously active.
what in crickey fuck am i supposed to about lacking oomph?
at first, i though it was because i was on the pill. havent been in in years now (IUD instead).
I am on no meds. at all.
yet, i have regular me-time. and very raunchy dreams, if ya gets my drift.
what do?
the last time i had nookie, was over two months ago. it bothers me not a bit.
any advice much appreceated,
Oh yes, just posted the one about finding the elusive G spot.. I read the article further. No wonder the expert found that the “g Spot” stretches from 8.1mm to 33mm… The subject was an 83 year old woman!!
Hi Dot…
The link below refers.
As a man trying my best to please, I have been trying for years to find it, exploring all over my partners vagina, to no avail. I was expecting a much larger area. Is it true that it is hardly the size of a match head?
Nut jobs and recovery
Hi Dot – love your Dot Spot
Im having problems understanding my ex boyfriend who is 51. He is obsessed with his penis and erection and has been using Human Growth Hormones and Testosterone injections. He has no problem getting it hard and masturbates every day then complains when he cant cum when it gets down to sexy time…
He has very bad mood swings and blows hot and cold at the smallest things.
We broke it off after a good stretch of 6 months because I hadnt seen him in 4 days and obviosly I hadnt stroked his ego enough. He gave me the cold shoulder when I arrived and had to drag it out of him what the matter was… He then said I was full of shit just like his ex girlfriend and told me to throw all my insecurities at him… I didnt say a word… I asked to leave then confronted him and asked if he had intentionally tried to hurt me and he said yes. I said I didnt think I wanted to be with someone who intentionally hurt me and he should apologise to me but he told me to FUCK OFF… So I did… I took my shit and I left. I sent him a msg later asking if it was sure this time that he wanted it to be over and he replied saying he didnt feel close to me anymore, sex was a challenge and he couldnt give me children. He also said he know I cant, but it would be nice to get tipsy together… I am a recovering alcoholic (19 months clean). I accepted this and decided to let him go and try to move on. I did have some wonderful times with him. During the following month I would occasionally check his whatsapp status and it was always very informitive as to what he was getting up to. Then these messages started coming through like: There’s a place in me where your kisses still linger your touch is still warm and your whispers still echo… I didnt respond to any of this as I had found him on an internet dating site and thought he had moved on. A month to the day after I put a status on my whatsapp saying I was having a good time he sent me a photo and then a conversation got going on whatsapp…. He loved me and missed me so much and wanted to get me back. I had then told him that I nearly relapsed due to the hurt he caused me and if he was looking for a girlfriend then he can keep on looking on line – but if he is very serious then I will hear what he has to say…
He spund me a story and said he wanted to grow old with me and eventually get married when we were both ready and he wanted me to live with him in the R10 mil house he baught and put in a R250K kitchen for me!!!??? He threw cars and phones and dogs and the white picket fence at me. I said I wanted love and commitment and understanding… I cant love material items. He wanted to go to see a couples therapist and I went to see her first. After this I went to lunch with him and he got a text msg from a whore saying hot and horney and wet and wild back in Durban… he showed me the msg and I told him to reply saying how much? The reply was: same as last time… I demanded he call the number and put it on loud speaker so I could hear but he snuck off the the loo and so I then asked to see his phone. I couldnt work the ipone but I found other messages from another woman and he has used my messages of AA recovery on this woman – acceptance = peace… I could see he had ended it and asked if he had slept with her and he had of course… The next day he went to see the couples therapist on his own and we had an appointment the next day together. I surrendered all the shit about the whore msg and we were not together when he was with this other woman and I was ok to move fwd. He had said to me he was totally commited to me and he was so sure that he wanted me and to settle down and marry me – I just wanted to get engaged. He started to back peddle on the Wed before the double session and when I called him he said he had changed his mind about us!!! Then the follwoing day he was off the the Burg with the new chick and her son and friends….
What I dont get is that he checks my whatsapp status and I put broken hearts up – i then get texts from him – I told him I love him even tough he has hurt me and he admits he loves me and misses everything about me but cant even be a friend to me…. Is he just dangling the hook or keeping the door ajar so if he gets bored with the new chick – he thinks I will always be there as a doormat or is there something wrong with this man who is hot and cold and who has no feelings about me or my life or what he did after I told him I could relapse if he was not cautious with my feelings….
I cant let go of this horrible intense emotional pain and need a way forward. I am 34, attractive and dont know how to meet people anymore being sober… I dont like to hang out in bars and internet dating I cant do…..
Lost puppy… looking for a way forward :(
The psychologist said that it is not me and the man has a huge ego and small self worth…..
Hi Jenga
The answer is very simple. He is negatively affecting your recovery. You are in a messy codependent relationship with this nut job. Put your sponsor on speed dial, kick him out of your life and up your therapy or group sessions.
you KNOW this is the only way forward.
I was hoping that you could give me some advice. I’m a 21 year old man, still studying, so I know I’m still young. But, it seems like I just can’t find a girl for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am an attractive guy, even if I have to say so myself. So getting girls is never a problem, neither is getting sex. But where the problem comes in, is when I find a girl that I ACTUALLY LIKE, but it seems like they never like me back. And I know that I have the image of a “player”, I probably have earned it, but not proud of it. The only reason why I can come up with for being a player is that, I don’t want people to see how it hurts to be alone.
Recently, I had something going on with a girl, and we really loved eachother, but looks like love coudn’t beat the distance between us, so she kind of broke it off on Sunday. And again, I started out really liking this girl and started to love her aswell. So this week I went to the gym, and I met this gorgeous, amazing and interesting girl and we started talking and chatting on the phone. And I told my closest mates living with me about her and said that I am really interested in her. So I told her, I’m not looking to be friends, I want to get to know her and see where things go. She then told me that she is kind off seeing her ex boyfriend again, but its not gonna workout between them, so she agreed to get to know eachother. Then the next day she came to visit me quickly just to say hi, and all went well, or so I thaught. When we both left again for our classes, I texted her and said thak you for visiting, I really enjoyed seeing her again. And no reply. Then later when I knew that her classes had finished, I text her again and said that I hope she had a nicce afternoon and a good day further, again, no reply. I then went to the gym and text her again, asking her if something was wrong, she said no, but I knew she was lying, but I didb’t say anything about it. So later on I asked her what she was doing, and she told me she is at her ex boyfriends place. Now I didn’t reply, because I dan’t want to make a scene over it. So later she sent me a text, asking me how I could like her so much, we bareley know eachother etc etc. And a long short, she deleted me on BBM, and I asked her on facebook why she did that, and she said its because I’m to much for her. I can give you more examples of girls that I was interested in but didn’t work out, similar stories, different endings, the one even got married.
I know that I have trust issues, no doubt about it. I had a girlfriend, serious one, who I have heard has cheated on me on several occasions, so I think that is where I kinda got scared. Its so difficult for me to trust a girl enough to go into a relationship. So when a girl is interested in me, I usually don’t trust her and then I’m not interested, or when I do trust a girl, she is not interested. Or the other way it uasually goes is, I cheat on them before they can cheat on me.
Then the girls who I worship the ground they walk on and will never cheat on and trust them not to do so too, walk on me instead of the ground….
Please Dot, I’m in deperate need of help. I don’t want to go on like this, just this once, I want a girl that I like, like me back enough to be with me…
My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year and I’m loving the sex. He’s an inventive and considerate lover with a really great dick. He was suprised that I’d never owned a vibrator and encouraged me to get one and experiment. I got one of the small bullet ones and we regularly include it in our foreplay.
Recently he’s been bring up the idea of anal sex. I was awfully uncomfortable with the idea. I’m my head it was ‘dirty’ sex. A couple of days later however, I did take the time to look at my reaction and question if that was my reaction or just a conditioned response.
Unfortunately, the answer I came up with is “I’m not really sure”.
I think the only way I’ll be able to make any sort of decision is if I know more but it’s not the easiest thing to research! How does it work? Surely you need to build up to something like this? The penetration I mean. And do you combine anal and vaginal sex in the same session? I love to go down on him but I can’t imagine that’s a good idea combine with anal? And is the sexual pleasure comparable, lacking a prostate as we do?
Anal sex makes just about everyone cringe the first time its brought up due to its tabooness and all the myths surrounding it. We’ve been taught that the anus is private, dirty and should thus be exit only and cannot be a sexual body part so you can’t be blamed for thinking that its dirty sex. I think its great that you are willing to compromise and potentially give it a try despite these feelings. You don’t necessarily have to like it but at least you are giving it a thought and I’m sure this will be greatly appreciated by your partner compared to if you just brushed it aside as dirty sex.
You are on the right track with researching about it first before making a decision. Its not something that you should dive into unprepared. It will most likely be unpleasurable if you approach it that way. As you said, you need to build up to it. You are also right, its not the easiest thing to research on. Actually it is but finding good literature that explains it well and makes you feel comfortable is what makes it hard. I luckily stumbled across a book that changed my perceptions on it and warmed me up further to it. Its called ‘The Ultimate To Anal Sex For Women’. Google it and you should find the ebook version which you can save and read at your pleasure and pace. It should be easy to find but if you can’t let me know (follow the link attached to my name) and I can email it to you via fake email adds of course lol.
Its a very well written book and what makes it such a delight to read is that one, its written by a fellow woman. The tone of the book is friendly, humorous, enthusiastic and you can’t help but feel like you are getting advice from your openminded girlfriend. She starts by dispelling myths surrounding anal such as it being dirty, immoral, unnatural etc. Then she discusses anal hygiene, eroticism, toys, masturbation, penetration, health and includes illustrations etc. She also provides other good reads on the topic although I can’t imagine any being better. I’m sure you’ll enjoy reading it and perhaps make you more openminded to it.
Even though we lack a prostrate, what makes anal pleasurable is the anus’ abundance of nerve endings. Try it yourself in the shower one day gently using your a clean finger or two and that should be a good starting point.
My wife and I have a great sex life-no complaints there. The only issue is that lately her vjj has a funky smell and has had an impact on our foreplay.
hey! a sparky doppleganger! :) tell her to go see a gynae – don’t fuck around with that – might be nothing serious, but you really don’t want to take any chances
Evony has caused my 20 year marriage breakdown to an Australian woman living in Canberra – her name is Heidi Ann Mari Lindgren and I am trying to get her telephone number or email address, Evaon is a ware gaeme and a cover up for sex and affairs, my husband is besotted with this game and has lost all interest to work he has been unemployed now for 6 months and continues to play this game, how do I get him to stop other than divorce
Darling. I’ve heard this problem over and over again. Unless your husband drops the game and gets some counselling for addiction, separation might be your only option to get your life back. You might want to look at going for some sort of counselling as well to help you process this as an actual addiction that you are powerless against.
dot
My girlfriend and I went through an abortion over a year ago, and our sex life has become dull and boring. I’m lucky if we have sex once a month. I feel like she hates me because of the abortion. Have you got any advice for me?
I have arranged a group activity between my wife and I and another married couple, the wife of the other married couple helped arrange everything but the husband doesn’t know, we definitely making sure to include him in the actual activity. My wife needed some time and space to wrap her around it which she got and she is now on board with a “try anything once” attitude, the other wife is all good to go providing there’s no cross penetration, which I believe is great boundary , one of many that we discussed. Now… as everyone is gearing to go (this friday) Im having a major back pedal episode worrying about all sorts of stuff , changing the group dynamic and potentially risking a great friendship and wondering why on earth did I set this wheels in motion and of course potentially being (_!_) nekkid in front of other people.
One side if my brain is saying. man the eff up and do it.
The other is saying..panic panic panic panic omg
Dear Dot,
How common is it to not orgasm throu penetrative sex. I am 37 years old and I think it has happened to me once.
I would appreciate your advice as to what you would recommend my partner and I do to help me reach penetrative orgasm.
I look forward to hearing back from you
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and ±8mnths. The problem: he is still friends with his ex ex girlfriend. That is a big problem in our relationship because we both know that she is not over him. Everytime he goes to his parents house in another town he meets up with her. I don’t know what to think. He says he’ll never cheat and doesn’t see her like a gf but as a friend. She is a good family friend according to the family.
I told him that he has to break this friendship because it’s not right to be friends with your ex. Am I wrong and over reacting?
Hi Dot, I’m a bit worried about my wife’s behavour of late, she has been talking more and more about her boss of late for a long time actually. How he compliments her and and. Then she came to me and suggested a open relationship, I was ignorent and didn’t really know what it means so she explained to me, at first I was excited, but said no the following day, left at that, then a couple of weeks later it was brought up again. I asked her who does she want to have it with and she mentioned her boss’s name. I still haven’t agreed to it and not sure if she has done anything. There r phn calls on her phn from him but its always “work related”. I have seen messages on her phn from him with” hugs” and “kiss’s” but gets removed as soon as she realizes its on there, only his messages gets removed no one else’s. Should I b worried or not?
what do you think? i think yes. and i think you need to have a very serious discussion about what is going on and how she plans to move forward with this. polyamory (an open relationship between consenting adults) is practised quite extensively but it is not everyone’s cup of tea, and frankly takes a LOT more emotional work and maturity than most of us have or realise.
sit her down, find out what’s going on. she is planning, if she is not already, cuckolding you under your nose. in fact, she is practically advertising it. step in, set our boundaries, get some answers… don’t be acting like an unsuspecting dork fool.
Last year I broke up with my BF…end of feb will be a year now that we have broken up. The reason why I broke up with him is because I always felt like he wasn’t honest with me that something wasn’t right. He is a dancer and he had been dancing with this partner for about 12 years so she was like his best friend. But in a suttle way she used to interfere in our relationship. She just knew how to piss me off and used to tell him now that you have a gf she don’t see anymore and also every sunday they used to go to church together. Besides this there were other small things that added to the breakup. Three months later he met someone knew and started dating this chick. Then one day at work he came to me and urgently need to speak to me. Told me he was so sorry and didn’t realise it before. But now that his dating somone else his dancing partner interfere and spread rumors about his current gf. The reason why she did it, is that she is in Love with him which she confessed to him. My reply was well its too late now as his in a new relationship. That day I felt a bit at peace. Then 2 months later he came to tell me his engaged. So I said with a girl you only know for 6 months and you knew me for almost three years and also to top it he just stopped dancing with his partner. Then he said well with me he wasn’t ready but he is now. So I said that don’t make sense. And walked away. We are now on speaking terms and he sits right next to me at work. Just want to know was I right to let him go? And what is his reason for just jumping so soon into another relationship?
curious girl he sounds like a dick. I had a cousin doing the same and it backfired badly. its just a rebound girl and he soon will realize what a fuck up he made leaving an treating you like shit.
I have been dating this girl for about three months and about 5 weeks ago we found out she is pregnant. She has been a little emotional and sick as expected and recently she told me that she heard having sex in the first 3 months of being pregnant can be harmful to the baby. Regardless if this is true I can respect her feelings regarding this.
However she then gave me full permission to sleep around with other woman in the mean time till she is in a position to do so again. I at first thought she was joking but she said she has no problem with it at all.
This has really shocked me and question why she would be happy with something like that and also how serious she is about our relationship. I also now question if she is so easily comfortable with me sleeping with other people how likely would she cheat on me when the opportunity comes her way.
I am at a loss and not sure how to react to this. Please can you give me some helpful advise.
Tsk, tsk.There’s plaenty guys whom will call you a lucky dog, then some that might agree with your doubts.Truth is, the answer is right there staring you in the face.She’s pregnant, emotional, hormonal.The ulimate test is will you invoke said suggestion.You’re being tested, she’ll change her mind.Relax, stay at home, plan the nursery.There’s more to life than sex.
For the past couple of months my girlfriend of 6 years has been pointing out all my flaws and things I don’t do for her. It’s not that I try to neglect her but rather I’m that bad of a boyfriend. I’m not the romantic type but I can’t stand to think of a life without her.
All I ever wanted was for us to have kids and grow old together but we can’t seem to agree on the same things. She’s been wanting to get married for some time now but I don’t think we financially ready for that yet. We both 26 years young.
Recently I have made the decision to let her go. She’s grown weary of me not being the man she wants in her life.
I believe she can do a lot better than me. She deserves someone who will shower her with love and affection everyday. I just wish I could be that guy but I’m not that affectionate.
It sound corny but every day without her is a day wasted.
Did she turn around and walk away? Yes? Then yes, you made the right decision. Could you both reach a comprise and make some personal changes that would keep your relationship afloat? No? Then yes, you made the right decision. Do you want to get married now? No? She does? Yes? Then you made the right decision.
Stop saying you let her go because you believe there is someone better for her. SHE believes there is someone better for her, YOU weren’t happy with how she was treating you. YOU made the best decision for YOU.
Hi there,
I love your site and only found it about a month ago.
Well, I’m sure you heard about this problem several times before, but I need to know…please! Anyway, when my girlfriend and i finally got together about a year ago we took it slow and only fooled around. Finally the day we went further I loved how tight she was, down there of course, and couldnt get enough. She has a great sex drive and all that is great!!! Then I started working away from home, overseas, and after I returned after a month we had some homework to do, but I wasnt sure why she wasnt as tight anymore??? Back in the beginning I could get one finger in, but two fingers didnt want to go…then as I said when we had some homework to catch up on, I could slide in 2 fingers with ease.
Now, I might be wrong, but what a ex told me way back is that when a girl isnt active, it tends to tighten up…not sure if thats true.
Anyway, you can see where I’m going…she says its because of her age and it happens to women as they mature, but I’m not so sure as when your only 30.
It has never been as tight ever again and I’m away for 4 weeks and back home for 4 weeks. So I want to know what she says is true or might there be another worm in the hole?
I need to know as I have been cheated on several times before and dont want to go through that again and I dont want to get all paranoid stressed over something that might be nothing. I do believe her, but need to hear from someone whom clearly understands the female genitalia, yes thats you.
well thank you for the lovely compliments, but ‘another worm in the hole’? hm.
while I’m no physiologist, from what i understand, a period of abstinence might mean that the vaginal canal feels ‘tighter’. How tense a woman is also makes a difference to how easily objects can penetrate her. the more tense she is, the tighter she feels and, sometimes, the more difficult it can be to enter her. i would say that by the sounds of things, after some time with you she’s no longer shy or tense to be with you. hence, she doesn’t clam up. this is a good thing.
also, there is a strong possibility that she is satisfying herself while you are away with her own hands or a dildo/vibrator of sorts, which would mean her body is becoming more used to being penetrated. i certainly hope that she is.
maybe you should stop worrying about whether you think she’s cheating or not because she’s not as ‘tight’, and focus on instead, and be thankful for, the fact that your gf has a great sex drive, is into you and still wants to sleep with you.
if my bf kept asking me why i wasn’t tight anymore and accusing me of shagging someone else because of it i’d tell him to fuck off.
Thanks for the reply and it feels great hearing this, as I didnt want to go that route about cheating, etc. as the end result would probably be just that, she telling me to fuck off…I love her and want to marry her and have babie…just want to be sure she is the right woman for me…
Thanks Dot, you just made my day!!!
small issue i have which i would like some advice from you please?
here goes..i have been with a young lady for about 7yrs now and the sex is as dry as the kalahari the first 3yrs we were together we use to play alot and have alot of oral anywhere and we both enjoyed it,without any sex due to virginity issues, i then lead to temptation and slept with a friend of mine, we broke up and she met a friend of mine and slept with him in the first weeks of their fling, that lasted 6mths and we hooked up again me thinking things would be different(dumbass) the sex was great doing it whenever we could, the lust lasted several weeks then it just dissappeared and still to be found she doesnt ever kiss me the way she used to or touch me in that way,i have to basically force myself onto her at night and that only happens once a yr if im lucky the rest of the time she pushes me away..is she cheating on me?does she not fancy me sexually anymore or is it that she just has no sex drive?some people i speak to tell me she might be batting for the other team…i dont know what to do anymore should i stay should i go?all i really want is a healthy average sex life im not getting younger and have needs, if she does not attend to them what am i to do?i do look at other woman and often considering cheating but dont want to hurt her again.
please could you maybe give me some sort of guidance dot it would be much appreciated..
Hi Dot :) I stumbled upon your blog today after reading your excellent article (Getting Real about HIV).I was wondering.. How did you become a sex-editor-at-large?
Hi dot I have a problem. I love sex with my fiancé an she does not like it, it feels that I can’t satisfy her she tells me that she hates sex what do I do?
I’m 20 years old. I am in a wonderful relationship and we have been dating for the past year. The one problem we have is (or rather me) our sex life. I lost my virginity to him in May and until today I have not reached an orgasm with him.
In June he suggested that I try masturbating to find out what I really want and I have only reached orgasm once. I told him this, and he was happy about it but I still don’t reach orgasm with him. The frustrating thing is that he always reaches it before me. Last weekend I sat him down and we had an in-depth talk about our sex life trying to find out about our likes, dislikes etc.
When I told him that it frustrates me that he always reaches orgasm before me, he said that he doesn’t know what’s wrong with me and that when he is making love to me he only focuses on his intent to get an orgasm.
This upset me even further that he does not take my feelings into consideration and we had a lengthy talk about this point and what I have realised (bless his poor heart), is that he has the wrong information about sex.
My question to you is how can I try convince him otherwise that sex is about mutual satisfaction and not about him getting his rocks off and rolling over when he is done?
I love your column in Women24 and read a whole lot of Cosmopolitan and I realised that so many women around the world, cannot be lying about this ‘Big O’ they are talking about.
You can’t convince someone that sex is not a solo ride, but a matter of pleasure for all involved parties. they are either open to being shown and you are patient and open to showing; or you move on and find a more sensitive partner.
so let’s assume you’re going to stick around and help him evolve his sex game a bit. let’s assume he’s open to learning … some pointers:
1. you are an active participant in sex with your partner, and can slow the show down or stop it whenever you feel you are no longer being involved in his ‘intent to orgasm’.
2. the easiest way to do this is to be on top, because it’s easier for you to control the rhythm, depth and thrust
3. keep his head – and yours – in the game by telling him what you want him to do, what feels good and what doesn’t. let him tell you what feels good for him.
4. don’t by shy to touch yourself while he is penetrating you or while he is performing oral – it’s your body, get comfortable with it
5. have sex without penetration – set time aside to just touch, massage, kiss, lick, fondle, taste and get to grips with non-penetrative pleasure and sex … take your time with this, both of you must talk about what feels good for each other.
he made a good point when he suggested you try masturbating to learn about what works for you. but you shouldn’t simply stop because you only orgasmed once. self pleasure is about exploring what works for you and what doesn’t. no one can ‘give’ you an orgasm if you’re not open to it or comfortable with your own body.
also, the majority of women claim to experience more ‘clitoral’ orgasms that ‘internal’ orgasms. in other words, many don’t come with penetration alone. what is your main pleasure hot spot?
bottom line is, you have to take charge of your own sexuality and pleasure, before you can ‘change’ anything with him.
Hi dot!
I have been married for 5 yrs now! My husband doesnt work in south africa.. We have a child together that i luv with my whole hart!
I met someone a few months ago who is also married with kids. He is everything i have always wanted in a man. We both not happy in our marraiges and have fallen in love with each other! My husband thinks all is great with us! And so does his partner. we want to be together but dont know what the right thing is to do?? I am not in love with my husband! But i do love him. I think we grew apart because he is never in the country! I need a man in my life! What do i do????we do not want to hurt the kids in any way? What to do?!?!?
this one’s pretty easy innit? tell your husband what’s going on. if you love him and it’s simply not working because he’s never in the country, don’t you think it would be fair to give him, yourself and your partnership a chance to explore all the options of making this better for both of you?
distance is a difficult thing for a relationship and it’s far easier to share the daily intimacies that bind us with someone close at hand. like this guy you met. but I’m also concerned that your you ‘need a man in your life’, means any man will do.
however, if he really is ‘everything’ you ever wanted in a man, then let’s see if the relationship you have with him is as solid as you think it is – bring it out into the open, tell your husband the truth and let everyone have the right to make their choice.
My husband and i have been married for 6 years, we have a great sex life and enjoy watching porn together. BUT i cant seem to handle the fact that he watches porn on his own. When i ask him if he does, he denies it, deletes his history etc. I always knew he did, but could never prove it until i installed a key logger onto his pc and saw for myself. i am not sure if it is because he hides it that bugs me the most (i find it deceitful). I have asked him several times to please be honest about it rather. Its causing major issues. I feel bad because there seems to be lots of woman that don’t mind their partners looking at porn on their own and don’t know why i feel this way…
I have a crush on someone on Twitter, its got bad, I’ve become obsessed always checking his TL. Bigggg problem I’m happily married – how do i stop. Why am I behaving this way.
Hi Dot
My boyfriend and I are keen to try out sex toys but we’re not sure which one to start with? Can you recommend a good one for beginners that’s fun all around but not too expensive (we’re both pretty adventurous). Even though I thoroughly enjoy sex I still struggle to climax, so is there a best sex toy to help with this specifically?
Thank you :)
Hi Dot, I really hope you can shed light on this topic. I would like to to know if one is to attempt anal sex what pre cleaning and other measures must be taken before having anal sex ensuring there’s no nasty suprises and the evening can be enjoyed.
Ey Dotty. my ex and I dated for almost 2 years,he left me for someone else about 7 months ago. We recently started speaking again and we send nude pics. Everytime we do,I feel the erge to invite him over for sex. What should I do?
if you’re into masochistic behaviour, as you evidently are, invite him over and have sex with him. then you can agonise over whether you should go out again, whether he’ll cheat on you, when you can fuck him again and, finally, whether he’s sharing your nude pics with anyone.
been there, done that.
snip snip baby. it generally doesn’t go well from here.
Me and my girlfriend have a very healthy sex life. The problem is she only has clitoral orgasms. Because of this she only wants to have sex in certain positions as she has to stimulate her self to climax. Most times she does not climax and I do. I feel like there is more I can do? Please help?
Chris, most women only have clitoral orgasms – very few have vaginal or G-spot orgasms from penetration. Foreplay is important in getting her aroused and ready – us guys are usually ready to go but a woman needs a bit more stimulation. Try some cunnilingus or fingering on her to get her going or even get her off. Do a google search for techniques.
It also sounds to me like you’re not really varying postions much during a sex session. Maybe start with the position that stimulates her so that she can get off first. Once she’s had her orgasm you can change position and have yours. But do try several positions during a session (missionary, girl on top, doggie, etc) and take it slow so that you can just enjoy the sex and you can last for her – let it build in intensity. The trick is to get her close during foreplay (cunnilingus works well), then enter her and let her orgasm first then you can have your turn. If you’re having trouble lasting long enough for her (a common problem) then you should read up on orgasm control techniques for men.
Another option is to get a sex toy that can stimulate her clit before and during sex. Dot can advise on something here – the bullet vibe works well. The trick here is to get her close to orgasm before you enter her, she’s already most of the way there and she can get into a position she likes and she should come pretty quickly.
What he said. BUT. if you get her close to orgasm and then change position i will defend her right to punch you in the face.
there is nothing worse than your partner getting the rhythm right and bringing you right to the edge only to blow it by doing some crazy weird shit like changing tempo, stopping or deciding to change position.
sometimes guys don’t realise that rhythmic and steady does it. theatrics are not generally necessary.
Yup, what Dot said is VERY important. But what I reallly wanted to add is that we tried out our recently aquired RO bullet vibe – and my wife came within 2 minutes – highly recommended little vibe (and at a very good price) . So maybe try that out?
I am a gay guy and petrified of sex. I’m 27 years old, and my sexual experiences are limited to one nighters that have never been successful. Whenever I get into potential relationships, I tell the guy i’d prefer to wait for sex as I “only go there when I’m comfortable with someone” – which is absolute BS as it’s all about anxiety!! I am petrified of getting intimate with someone, even though I get closer to them on an emotional level. As a result, the relationships never last.
I think the older I get, the worse it becomes. I am very sexually driven, and know that there is quite an animal in there – but releasing it is just soooooo difficult.
Well, i’m confused. Are you petrified of sex or intimacy? What do you qualify as a one night stand?
I’m going to assume that when you’re talking one night stand, you’re talking a little slap n tickle, maybe a blow job? and that when you’re talking ‘sex’ you mean penetrative.
i have two thoughts.
the first is – you’re already having sex. penetrative is simply one form of sex. and some gay men don’t practise that anyway.
the second is – you have to be honest. You’re never going to find a partner who you can trust enough to go further with if you’re not going to be upfront with what you’re about.
The relationships aren’t not lasting because you’re not having sex. They’re not lasting because you’re not being honest.
If you can bring yourself to be emotionally close to someone, then you’re obviously meeting some quality guys …
figure out what you want from your first experience; how you want your partner to be with you and what your limits are. then, if you get to a point with someone you really like and would like to venture down that road with, sit them down and tell them everything.
if someone is going to walk out on you because you’re new to this, they’re not someone you want to be intimate with anyway.
My wife and I enjoy watching porn together. We’d like to watch live sex though. We don’t want to have sex with anyone else but we’d love to watch other people-you could call us voyeurs. Do you think we’d be able to do this at a swingers club?
you’ll probably not be able to do that at swingers clubs (where are these exactly?) but you’ll meet people there, find a couple you like, ask them to play with and take it from there. or you can try dating and sex sites.
Hi ! I am about 8-10kg overweight, and I was wondering just how much does being overweight turn men off when it comes to sex. I constantly worry that being overweight will turn guys off, and therefore I really struggle to ‘let go’ and enjoy the moment. Can’t remember when last I’ve had a proper orgasm, as I find myself constantly worrying about my wobbly-bits…….
Do men (in general) even care? I am unconvinced….
I am currently in a relationship. Before my bf and I started dating I slept with one of his friends (a month before we started dating) which was the biggest mistake I have ever made and I didnt tell anyone but my best friend. One day my bf was snopping through my phone and discovered what had happened through saved convo’s.
He found out +- 3 months into the relationship. This really hurt him and he got really upset. We spoke about it a few times and he asked questions that I answered the best way I could. We have been dating for almost 10 months now and in the last 3 months we have been fighting a lot and everything said or done lands up into a fight. His changed a lot and has become very secrative and defensive.
We almost broke up 2 nights ago but spoke about our issues. He explained himself by saying his shutting everything and everyone out so that he can get over what I did and block it out because his reminded of it daily.
I have apologised countless times and I have explained myself as well. He has become very nasty and unattached. He shows no affection and he doesnt talk to me. The worste thing is he says its going to get worse because he hasnt completely shut everything out.
you have apologised, you have explained
he is punishing you and blaming his inability to move on from this on you
you did not cheat on him, you did not lie, you did not kill a little baby
what is happening in his head about this has nothing to do with this
what does he expect you do to make this right?
answer: nothing you do will make this right, because his reaction is not your fault or something you can control or make right
so you can stay and this will be a theme to your relationship for all eternity (because HE is making it an issue) – this YOU are bad, YOU are causing him to shut down, be defensive, be unaffectionate
or you can back away and go play with people who don’t abuse and manipulate you
and he snoops. never trust a snooper because they don’t trust you and never will
Im currently friends with benefits (this includes going out for dinner/movies/dancing, cuddling, her staying over multiple nights a week, etc), with an ex of mine. We have a long complicated history, and I want to somehow make it more. We have spoken about becoming more, but she said im not her type, and as things are it works for her but we cant ever be together.
Am I wasting my time? Is there anything I can do? Thanks
My personal (unsolicited) advice would be that she has no real intentions for you (becoming an us).
Unless casual intimacy is what YOU are after I would say it’s better that you step away to pursue interests that are interested in building a relationship with you. I think one of two things will happen –
1. You both move on and find people more compatible with your individual lives and needs.
2. she realizes that you are what she wants and comes back to you to pursue something real together. (love something set it free etc. etc.)
In the short term, this isn’t easy but dude – it’s only in the short term. You have one life, don’t settle for something that isn’t worthy of your one and only life.
If you’re having trouble deciding, flip a coin.
Heads = stay and try
Tails = move on with your life
If, when the coin lands, you want to do a best of three (regardless of which side lands facing up), then you know the decision for you is the opposite. If you’re happy with the side it lands on, then you got your answer immediately.
I think this was actually dealt with on 5fm today, but I was watching the rugby, anyone got a copy of it, know where I can find a copy or what exactly was said??
And thanks Lucky, but I would be willing to do anything to be with her, I already know what I want, just want to know if its at all possible i’ll have it…
I want to come out …but have a 10 yr old daughter and 14 yr old son . Got divorced after 15 years cause it was easier to live the lie , untill addiction took me out .So i lost everything. I live with my parents and care for them ( one has dimentia the other is a cruel abusive bastard)
I loose hope often and have OD 6 times .Im now clean for 6months ..am i rushing things . Also I’m so lonely. I am having the divorce annuled because i was so out of it when i signed the divorce papers . The ex live’s in a 2 million r. house on a beautiful smallholding.
find a support group asap before you make any big decisions like coming out or annulling the divorce.
i think it’s important for you to be proud of yourself for taking the step to be honest about your sexuality and taking the actions to live your truth, but right now you’re in a very vulnerable position financially, physically, emotionally and mentally.
on top of that you’ve taken on the responsibility to look after people who are in no position to fulfill any supportive roles and, by the sounds of things, actually break down whatever it is you build up.
don’t try to do this by yourself. there are a number of groups that connect once a week (at least) that cost no money and, i’ve found, are incredibly helpful in providing perspective, support and guidance.
i suggest you browse Out to find support in managing your coming out. Visit Coda to find a space to help you cope with your existing relationships with those around you and help build healthier relationships with yourself and others. And find an NA group to help you with any relapse.
the worst thing anyone can do to themselves is think they can move through recovery or healing or grief or addiction (the list goes on) by themselves. but it sounds like that’s what you’re trying to do.
so i’m not surprised you’re feeling lonely.
look after you first. your children will get over whatever they MIGHT need to get over when you come out (and you might find, they’re actually ok with) …
you’re in crisis. use the resources available to equalise. and they are there. check those links out. find the groups close to you.
I am a married 38 year old with 2 kids.
Since Feb this year OH and i have been experimenting with anal sex. The only way we enjoy it is when we take E.
We sometimes book into hotels for hours and the sex is incredible. What i am worried about is that we depend on the E.
We have been doing this every other weekend since Feb and every time we are done we go on a guilt trip and vow never to do it again. Hubby works away and he is only home weekends.
Is this normal?
well, ‘normal’ is such a messy word really. and, besides, which part of the question are you referring to as being ‘normal’?
it sounds like you guys have a great kink thing going on and that’s what it is, but what i’m wondering about is the guilt and your concern about dependence.
my question is, is the concern about dependence because that’s the only way you enjoy anal or is the concern about depending on highs, hotels and guilt trips to keep your marriage and sex interesting?
either way, i’m not sure that’s a plan with longevity.
and where do you fit connecting off a high on? remember any weekend like that has a protracted high – there’s the planning, there’s the come down, there’s the equalising … then we do it again. the fact that you and the kids only see him once a week, makes the short spurts of sober one-on-one connection with you kinda rare then, doesn’t it?
maybe tone it down to once a month? or try other moderately risky activities to mix things up a bit?
also, i’m not sure what your usual drug intake is like, but dropping candy twice a month for any extended period of time might not be the smartest thing for your serotonin levels. it’s different when you’re 18 and your brain and kidneys bounce back at ridiculous speeds… not so past 30.
I guess the candy part. I have never in my life tried drugs and was a big no no for me for most of my life. I guess thats where the guilt part comes in as it is illlegal. Also it is the time spent away from the kids..in that time we could be doing stuff as a family.
We are going to slow down now and maybe do it once a month sans the candy…?????
Thank you for input.
Greatly appreciated.
Hey DOT,
Thanks for this web page it helped me before (someone else question) And that help me with mine on that time. My question is, lately when me and my girl get it going mid way I go flasid and I don`t know whats going on. She like it fast, may that be the problem, am I going to fast maybe.
hey – glad this here page could help you out. as for your member putting the brakes on in your rendition of fast n furious, try grinding instead of jackhammering – she might like it fast, but it sounds like your penis doesn’t … your pleasure matters also you know
So here goes nothing….. I recently split from my not-so-happy, very unfullfilling marriage.
I have had a little ‘crush’ on someone for quite some time now, and we recently had a tequila-inspired romp!!! He was BRILLIANT! By FAR the best sex I have ever had. I have since contacted him, and we have had MORE mind blowing sex. Problem is…. I now find myself feeling very insecure. As much as I would like to actually spend quality time with him, I can’t get enough of him sexually. I have also been out of the ‘game’ for so long, that I don’t know how to persue this ‘relationship’?? Am I supposed to wait for his call? Am I supposed to tell him that I’m secretly interested in his personality, or do I just continue trying to convince myself that i’m capable of a fling. I don’t want to scare him away, as I lust after him BAAAADDDLY, nor do I want to miss the opportunity to have an actual relationship with him.
He’s an EXTREMELY quiet and rather reserved kinda guy…
I don’t know where to start… Im new to the whole thing and I struggle to get a orgasm when having sex, oral or ‘handing’?? But when I do it myself, although it may take awhile, I have no problem. We do foreplay but it doesn’t work, I end up pleasing him, i feel to bad and try my utmost to ‘achieve’ some sort of climax myself, but with no luck. I really don’t know what to do and hope this won’t be like this from now on? I love my bf and we have a very great relationship – but i think this ruins some of his confidence (and mine).
I aks my man to use a condom for various resons, and make it exciting to put it on, but it keeps coming off and lodging itself inside of me…. what a turnoff, not to mention embarassing… and then renders itself useless!!!!
Why is this happening????
i’m assuming you’re talking about one man you sleep with … it sounds like the condom doesn’t fit him properly … are you sure you are/he is rolling all the way down the shaft?
I was not aware that condoms are avaiable in different sizes! And yes, I am sure we are putting it on properly…
We are quite active during sex, could that also be a reason??
they’re not really. but what can happen is that he might be losing his erection slightly while he’s inside you and with the thrusting the condom will slip off easily…
I hate to ask an obvious question but does he squeeze the tip of the condom when he puts it on?
Squeezing it will create a vacuum and that sucker should stay on no matter his size.
im very worried about my Fiance, we seem to be having sex less and less due to the fact that she says in to big. CAN I BE TO BIG? i know im average size. we do the Foreplay to key and she would rather give me oral than have sex because she says its to sore for her .
My bf is almost 40. And im 24. Our relationship has always been a rocky one. And everyone tells me i should break up with him because of the emotional abuse he puts me through. But the problem is he is so good in bed that im scared if we break up, ill never find someone as good in bed. We have been together for three years. Wat should i do?
Hi dot, my gf was a virgin before we started exploring each other. The problem is when we have sex, she complains of pain in her vagina as we get going, soemtimes this eases and it is enjoyable for her, but other times it is too painful for her to continue. What could this be?
I have never been sexually active as of yet the only problem is that I am about to enter into a a relationship with a guy who has been sexually active. This somewhat makes the pressure more intense for me as a girl although he says we can wait until I am ready. We have been friends for almost 2years, we have only established our feelings for one another this year when we went to the same varsity. I fully trust him with anything and can count on him with anything. The only problem I am having is what to expect my first time to be like, I have no one really to give me the sound advice that I need. Could you please help me?
hi dot.
i have been sexually active for about 6 years and have had 5 or so partners. Sex is always good, however my problem is, i cannot come. i have never been able to. i sometimes felt as if i needed to wee while having sex, and a friend advised me that it could mean im a squirter, however i cannot seem to squirt or come. my boyfriends and i have tried everything, porn, toys, the works and to no avail. i am so frustrated already. even though sex is good its nothing great for me as there is climax
I love you on 5FM….. Just a quickie… Where does one go for advice on the below…
I love my partner, he’s incredibly generous and loves foreplay but sometimes even when I am stimulated it hurts when he is inside me, I’ve seen my Gynae but he cant find anything. Could it be a mental thing? Is there someone we could see?
I’ve found my libido sliding downward big time as it hurts sometimes during or after sex.
Help! I have a gorgeous man and I feel like I’m faking being in the mood for sex!
Is it normal to have a considerably small looking penis when it’s soft and unaroused, but then a significantly larger one once it gets excited?
Most of the time before excitement and arousal comes into play, my partner would be unimpressed, and sometimes don’t get the chance to see it in action. I’m talking a growth of at least 3 inches.
Dude, I don’t know if it’s a problem (Man I hope she doesn’t respond that its some sorta issue…egad!) – I have the same “issue”. Used to woz about it some years back, but not anymore. I’m quite small during a normal day, unaroused (abt 6cm) but when I’m aroused, I grow quite considerably (to about 16cm+ dependin on arousal). Despite this I used to fend off womens advances (ok, perhaps that “S” in advance is playing it loosely on my part) because I’d be super paranoid about their opinion, and that facial expression when they see you flaccid-that look that has you suddenly wondering if your heart could really explode through your chest cavity, or if it would just maybe sprain a couple of ribs, and whether you’d lose consciousness before or after, cos a part of you knows it would be pretty cool to see it happen. But I digress. When one particular sweet young woman, who shall forever remain my unattainable love, with whom it was never meant to be except for that one night-that young lady who gloriously yanked from me, my uncanny twenty-something year old virginity whilst in the midst of spliff-induced skepticism and the marvellous throes of a bizarre and incredulous awesomeness, calmly looked at me when I had managed to pry the proverbial balls out of my arsehole and just ask her if she was bothered by it’s size when “Spent”. She looked at me, like I had seriously suggested something along the lines of, gravity is a myth, and said: The only women who are bothered by a small flaccid, unaroused penis, are the women who can’t arouse a man. And then she’s projecting. So, forgive my lame advice, but don’t concern yourself with a woman who won’t even let the games begin..It aint you bruv..
if your partner is unimpressed with the size of your flaccid penis to the point that they don’t want to stick around for the action you should look yourself in the mirror and repeat after me : ‘thank god i dodged that bullet’
So my girlfriend and I are pretty serious and don’t get me wrong, I love her to bits. This is, however, my 1st serious relationship and she is the 4th girl I’ve slept with. She on the other hand has had many many boyfriends and has openly told me about hem, and about who she slept with and how many 1 night stands she has had and what kind of stuff she has done, and clearly she is faaaar more experienced in the bedroom than what I am. She also brings up her ex’s a lot and is always telling me what they did and what kind of things they did as a couple in and out of the bedroom. Do you think this is an issue? Or something to be concerned with? I also feel pretty shit when she talks about other guys that she has slept with. Any advice?
Firstly, great site! So glad there’s finally a place to spill the beans and get to learn from other people’s experiences.
I’ve got a bit of an awkward question…I’ve recently started seeing a guy and everything is great except in bed. Not to get me wrong, he is passionate and definitely has the right ideas but the execution needs some work. He gets very turned on and by the time it comes to getting down and dirty it is very short lived…are there any tips to get a guy to last longer? Also, the whole condom issue…who puts it on? Is it a turn on for a woman to do it…do you just lie there and cheer him on while he does it…I don’t know. Always seems to kill the mood a bit.
Firstly I’d like to commend you on yr always honest and open opinion, always enjoy catching yr comments on sashas show. Im in my mid 20s and I recently got married a few months ago. We have been together for about 5 years and I love her to bits, but only problem I have is me…
She was my first love and we lost our virginity to one another, but she had some serious relationships before me, whereas I did not have much opportunity when I was younger so she is also my one and only serious relationship. Now I have no trouble chatting to women and im quite the out going chap, but my problem is that more and more often I find myself having fantasies with other women more and more! Like whenever im out and about, or even at work and I meet a beautiful lady I cant help being rather friendly and my imagination runs wild about sexual thoughts. Like I fear that if the opportunity presented itself that I wouldnt be able to say no due to my curiosity! I really love my wife and we are happy together, like we are best friends, but also with benefits of course ;-)
There is nothing wrong in the bedroom and we are still passionate about each other and occasionally adventurous too. So why do I keep wanting more? Is it because I dont find her as sexually attractive as other women? Or is it because of my lack of other experience that my curiosity is haunting me? I’d greatly appreciate the help if you could spare me some advice, as im sure id regret it for the rest of my life if I cheated on her and I dont want to become that guy…
Thanks for taking the time to read this message :-)
Hi Dot, I am 33 and a recovering alcoholic (10 months sober) and my recently divorced boyfriend has just turned 50. He is very wealthy and has been loving, generous and kind. We shared a 3 week holiday together overseas and things were wonderful. We have been seeing eachother for 4 months but recently he has become controlling and upset with me for very silly things: 1.We returned home from overseas and I took a 6 hour time out! I was on the phone and came into his house after the break (6 hours which he pointed out again) but still greeted him and hugged him. He thought this was terribly rude of me, confronted me and accused me of always being on my phone. He said he looks forward to seeing me and I had all afternoon to catch up with my friends.
2. I was working at a show and became ill so I went home to rest. He was upset again that I went home instead of spending time with him. He said to me I was playing games and he was tired of my drama and that he thought it was not necessary to see my 7 year old nice who was in hospital. He mis-read a text message I sent him and never apologised for mis-reading it – again making something big from something so small…
3. Last night I met him and his 15 year old son for dinner and when he arrived I was not at the resturant (I went to buy jeans as he was 15 minutes behind me). He was very irritated that I was not waiting for him at the table….
I don’t mean to go on and on but while he can be lovely, the smallest things set him off. I feel like I have to watch what I say as the smallest thing could set him off. I am new in recovery and little things like this can threaten my sobriety. Is he worth it?
He sent me a text saying, he knows he can be moody and demanding but I must stick with him because he is worth it and he would move heaven and earth for me.
Last night he sent me packing after the discussion about me not being at the table and said we need this week to take a break.
Is he worth it? Do I take the break and see what happens on Friday? The alarm bells are ringing very loudly……
I enjoy catching you on 5 with Sacha and last week your advice to the lady with the boyfriend with a cocaine habbit rang so true to me! Thank you!
I think you’ll agree that one thing addiction teaches us is how to numb and ignore how we’re feeling. You’re getting some pretty serious alarm bells about someone who has no boundaries and who does not respect your boundaries. Maybe you should listen to your gut on this one.
If you’re in recovery with a fellowship you’ll be very aware of how important boundaries and respect are to your process and to your sense of self and safety. Not to mention the work you need to do in rebuilding your relationship with yourself and building healthier relationships with people in the future.
Frankly this man sounds like he is bartering with you here: put up with his emotional manipulation, possessive behaviour and lack of boundaries and he’ll be with you for ever and a day. Do you really need an emotional roller coaster/drama now?
I’m not sure where you are based or if you have a fellowship or therapist or sponsor, but you must be aware that forming new intimate relationships with someone within the first year of your recovery is usually not advised, because of the intense work you need to do on and for yourself. Maybe you might consider find a Coda group to visit to move into the next level of what it means to form healthy relationships with people … people who do not hold your emotions, time and family and friends to ransom.
you know what the answer is. you might just need the support to take that step.
good for you honey.
got divorced after three months of marriage and less than a year of dating from a guy that was pretty much a copy-and-paste of this yerk.
if he is too controlling, run, dont walk, run. every woman should make themselves knowledgeable about what is normal relationship behaviour.
and FYI, controlling behaviour is abuse, and emotional abuse leads to physical abuse. bet on it.
good for you that you got out when you did. dont let him sweet-talk you into coming back either. you really really are better off.
@adele > i agree with running, but i’m not sure i agree with the emotional abuse leads to physical abuse. although, interestingly, an old Time article i read the other day reported on a study that revealed that the same physical pain sensors in our brain light up regardless of whether we’ve been burnt by a match or burnt by our lover. grief, rejection and loss are treated as physical matters to the body. emotional abuse = physical abuse
Hi my wife had a baby two years ago and totally lost her sexual appetite. Is there any medical eg. sexual stimulant we could use. As there is so many products for men but none that we know of for woman. This is really causing a problem for me especially as I am know watching porn which she hates. Help!!! please.
edited
random question. when last did you seduce your wife?
when last did you slowly and lovingly tease her? taking your time, and making sure she knows that this is for her benefit, and that she is supposed to enjoy it, and sex, if it even happens, is beside the point.
i see the problem here, is the porn. the guy walks in the room, the woman is dripping wet, and she eagerly sucks him off, he fucks her as he pleases. she rarely if ever gets any attention. and while i am a big partaker in porn, i see too many guys wanting to just walk in and fuck their woman, and then, when their woman says hell no, then she is frigid.
porn is not normal [Ed: life]. sorry guy. im sure there are women who will be ready to drop trousers at a hint, but i bet the most arent.
i wonder, who handles the kids? who bathes them, feeds them? how much do you help there? how tired is she after a day of being wife and mother?
when last did you tell her, you go off to a spa for the day, and the kids are my problem?
if you want your woman to be more open for sex, i suggest:
1. make her feel like a goddess
2. make sure she has energy for sex
3. tell her how beautifull she is (she might feel fat after bubba arrived)
4. send her flirty messages during the day, saying how you are thinking of good she smells, blah blah blah
5. google yoni massage. and do it. without expecting anything back.
6. draw her a bubble bath with rose petals and candles.
what i seem to get from you, is that the problem is a medical one, and hers alone.
maybe you need to talk to her, find out what SHE wants.
Me and me lady have sex on a regular basis and it is really good….but there is one problem, I always seem to finnish off before my girlfriend is totally satisfied so I thought of using a supplement called Maximore and it really works great but I can’t use it every single time…you get what I’m saying. So what would your advise be to me?
my friends daughter, her mom was asking me how does she rebuild trust in her daughter not telling the truth about going to friends house and having beer.
it happens babe – children will experiment, they will test boundaries and they will rebel – just the nature of it. the sooner parents stop expecting their children to be toddlers forever, realise they are not them or robots to command at will, the sooner they and their children will get along
I love you website – so insightful! Anyone who talks/writes about sex as much as you do is a winner in my book! Now for my question… I’m a sexually open person I believe that sex is as important as air, food and water – if not more. If I could quit my job to have sex all day, I probably would. Oh, yeah. My question. How do I keep tight down there? I do my kegel exercises all the time (I’m doing them now) but somehow I feel like my vagina isn’t as tight as I would like it to be. How do I get tighter?
crikey, how tight do you want to be? if you’re doing your kegels you can also try a jade egg or smart balls (the smaller the better), but honestly, i’m not sure how tight will be tight enough…
Hello Dot
Love your blog and your attitude, and your insight is wonderful.
Do you perhaps know, how much vacularity of the male penis is healthy?
I am not concerned about what is acceptable, my wife is pleased, but I have noticed, recently, when getting out of a hot bath, that the vacularity had become rather pronounced in appearence. (Like an athlete with 2% bodyfat, even the small blood vessels are clearly visible).
Is this normal, or should I rush off to a urologist, waving my sabre in panic!
Hi Dot,
I thought I was a big girl,playing a game of being a naughty slut..such fun..until I felt used,emotionaly abused,played,bruised literaly and in my soul.It ended when I wanted a new game called Im actually A Person With Feelings…am I the only silly girl who got fantasy and reality mixed up? How do I trust again? How do I enjoy fantasy role playing again? What is the line not to be crossed…am a sad lady tonight..
puppy. we all — often and very regularly — get fantasy and reality mixed up.
in your case it sounds like you went exploring without a map and without knowing how far into the forest you were willing to go. now you know. that’s experience and it’s valuable. ‘playing the slut’ does not mean you don’t have feelings or boundaries.
i’m not sure what the story is here, but it sounds like you tried out (a possibly bdsm-related?) role play with the wrong person and without the right boundaries.
the line not to be crossed is the line at which you feel uncomfortable … when you are no longer deriving any pleasure from the play/pain/humiliation/talk/whatever takes your fancy. if your role-play partner — whether it is a new sex partner or a regular lover — does not respect your safe word or no, that person has abused your trust and their position.
this is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong. you will trust again, because you will learn to stop when you are no longer enjoying yourself. you will trust again because you will choose your partners better. you will trust again because you will inform yourself better on role play and put measures in place to prevent this from happening again.
if you feel you would like to talk to a forum where you can learn about all sorts of role-play and ask questions about how to do so safely, go to http://www.kinx.co.za.
if you feel you were sexually assaulted please go to rapecrisis.org.za.
don’t beat yourself up about this. be gentle with yourself. sluts have feelings to you know :)
Hi Dot. I think ur advice is invaluable altho I never thought I wld be seeking it myself! Hahaha. I am with the most amazing man I have ever met who adores me and my kids (divorced for 7 years and am only 33 – he is 30) this is the man who has changed my mind about marrying again and possibly even having another child with! My problem is this…. As fantastically wonderful as he is, I cannot help wishing he was as good as my ex (bf, not husband) was in bed! I am a GREAT communicator so I tell him what I like, but his technique is just not as good as my ex! My ex was a useless ‘permanent’ promise for the future, but MY GOODNESS, how perfectly we clicked sexually! This man is ALL I want, but I’m feeling we just can’t reach the same hights sexually! I want this man in my life for a long time to cum (heehehe) do I just ‘ settle’ for the mediocrity of our love m
aking?
heya – it’s a toughie. you don’t say how long you two have been together for, so it’s tricky, cos if it’s simply technique that’ll prolly improve over time and with more experimenting. however, if it’s chemistry you’re talking about (which it probably isnt cos you sound very into him sexually speaking) then i’d find it slightly more complicated. so some thoughts:
1. never settle but…
2. don’t get trapped in the mindset that this is all he is – sensitive lovers do learn, maybe it’s just taking some time – watch out that past experience doesn’t cloud your appreciation of something new or that it makes you start…
3. judging him … don’t be doing that … he’ll pick up on it and start feeling inadequate and then it’s all a mess
4. have you considered that you might not be as awesome a shag for him either?
5. he’s probably learnt technique from what his exes liked, so think of it as just expanding his repertoire – and this can take some time
My boyfriend and I had a good relationship and he was everything I have been looking for and I would have been perfectly happy to spend the rest of my life with him. So we bought a house together.
He was already tied up in another bond so my parents helped us to buy it, with the plan that he is going to pay them back rather than a bank. So it is still a bond, just not from a bank.
We haven’t even moved in, we have been renovating for the last few months and we can’t even have a conversation any more without it ending in screaming and fighting and eventually I leave in tears because I can’t stand it anymore.
We used to be so good at talking, but now we just don’t ‘get’ each other, we seem incapable of communication and we are both so miserable. I have been doing the best I can on my own (he is EXTREMELY busy at work) and he seldom has time for input, then when he hears what I have done he hates it and I get so angry because I have to undo all the work I have done and now I am looking at renovation plans he loves and I hate but I will go ahead with simply because I can’t handle another fight over it. It is never a discussion; it goes straight into a battle.
I don’t know if it is a money issue and he feels he has to control things in order for it to feel like his house? I know renovating and moving is stressful- I keep thinking maybe we will go back to normal once it is all done and we move in. I think we should go for couples counseling to learn how to communicate properly- but if I we are seeing somebody about our relationship only a few years into it when we haven’t even lived together- is there even any point in taking things any further?
I would just sell the house and head for the hills if it weren’t for one simple thing. Before this all begun he was everything I was looking for. And one year ago I couldn’t have been any happier. Is this just because of the stress of renovating or is this how it is going to be from now on?
this isn’t really my area of opinionating — but buying a house? while he has another bond? and your parents helped you? AND you’re renovating?
of course it’s going to get hairy. what did you expect? money, bonds, inlaws … probably three of the most taxing things on a relationship.
sell the house and go see a couples counsellor. or at least go see the counsellor – if you love this man and you’re good together, it’s worth working at. and it’s not ‘too soon’ to seek help. counsellors are resources to be used to improve our lives and our relationships. we’re not born with a manual on how to deal with stress and relationships … so sometimes we just need some help.
Hi Dot
can you give us some advice on a Good sex toy that you will recommend .
I was very excited to get a we-vibe but after reading your review , i am not so keen.
Hi Dot,
As someone I respect and who knows what she is talking about I need your opinion. In the history of my Sex life, I have never climaxed during sex?! I have no idea why though, I love the female body and am basically your typical horny male. But during sex I don’t feel anything, no sensation, to tingling, Nothing. No I have always thought it was due to the condom. But then I have tried it a couple times without and its only slightly different. I don’t want to stress over it much but honestly I would like to actually like to enjoy sex and not have to worry about going soft or not being able to feel it. Its a dumb question to ask but hell i need to ask someone.
that’s definitely not a dumb question – i think it’s patently very serious if you have no sensation in your penis. and there are too many questions for me…
> if you can get a hard-on, where’s that sensation coming from?
> you’ve never climaxed during sex – does this mean you’ve climaxed by yourself?
unfortunately this is not something i can answer. i suggest you go see a doctor.
To be honest, I do get a hard-on and yes i do get sensation in the head and helmet, I have foreskin so self-stimulation does work always .
Bit its when Im entering a woman that I don’t feel that I’m in her. Its so frikking weird and annoying because then I don’t feel anything and end up losing hardness eventually. I think its a foreskin reason.
But anyways, thanks for you time and I’ll figure something out. Im a fan of your site and you have me in stitches with your views. haha kinky bugger thats for sure. Keep it UP hehe !
I need some advice, am dating this girl who goes through depression and fights with me occasionaly depending what mood she is in and the reason why i am, asking for your help is that i cant come up with the conclusion why i cant leave her she doesnt make me smile she tells me i cant drink socially and if i look in a direction where women walk pasts she says to me that i must appreciate her and i must be honoured to be with she can get any man she wants…
it happens occusionally like this i work away and i am gone for 4 days when i get back to give her flowers because i missed shes happy for a few minutes then i put lip ice on and she tells me why is my lips blue am i screwing hoers??? …
when i try tell her that she is the one for me and i would never do that she looks for another thing to argue when i finally pull the courage to walk away she runs after me sayin am i just gana leave?? but am unhappy because i was juded for what i have never done my family gets mocked by her and my family is my family i slept with her the sex is amazing we have had about 5 times and everytime after sex i have to assure that am here to stay? she 19 am 22…
i mean we have only been seeing each other for about 2 months she is a air hostess? ….. am trying to look at the positive side but it feels like i cant fight it any more i do love her inside but i have never been cut so short in my life by a women i keep telling myself things will get better and the fact is i dont usaully take a persons shit i leave them but with her its diffrent i cant leave her shes on ant- depresiants and she has had bad boyfriends that hit her and that forced to get an abortion once i know of she cant have children now…
i am trying my best to please her but i cant go on i have lost faith in her and myself my pride has been crushed i just say yes no yes no and i am not like this i stand up for my opinion and am lost am unhappy but i cant leave her am strong but she seems to have powerfull self asteem because she was very big and she lost alot of weight so she is absolutley beautiful…
she says she is strong and i must walk away in the beggining she says shes a horribly person and a bitch …….. ok so i told myself that i can handle her all i got to be is good to her and just show her how it feels to be loved by a man and am doing my best she wont let me go but also she doesnt want anything my statuses is about her on bbm my photos and yet she fails to do the same she fought with because my fb profile was single but yet she doesnt have a relationship status i changed it i cant seem to work her out she s beyond diffrent than any other i am an average guy with good looks i dont need a women to bring me down when am showing her the best…….please doc i think she is crazy how do i go about leaving without hurting myself i feel she can handle it but i dont want to lose faith?
holy crap william – this is a long email with a very short answer :: run for the hills, delete her off your social media, block her off bb
she has serious issues that you canNOT help her with. her personal dramas and crisis of self is dragging you down, hook line and sinker.
you know what will probably happen to her if you walk away and stop all contact with her? nothing. she’s likely to rant and rave and scream and then? then she’ll find someone else to abuse and create her drama around. she needs help and she needs love and she needs kindness. but not in the form you can provide. she needs therapy and unless you want to spend the next five years nursing a broken person i suggest you cut all ties now.
you are only 22. you have lots of love to give and sound like someone who would do well receiving some. don’t waste your time on this accident scene. move on.
(oh and the sex is good? and she looks beautiful now? wtf. have some self-respect.)
hey spetz
i hear a tad of submission fantasy going here?
there are women out there that will tell what to do for a living bub.
but it seems you want your gf to boss you around.
well, if it aint her thing… she might never be that way.
if she is sexually inhibited, then you might have to commit to spending time to being more communicative, playing sexy boardgames for instance, i have one called consenting adults. loads of fun. breaks the ice. and if she if competitive at all, then she will have to climb out of her shell to win. i find it hard to direct my man while we are in the moment. tell her to mail you her ultimate fantasy, and play it out for her. role=play is cool too. she is the commander who is breaking in a new soldier. cop interrogating a suspect… then her role is to boss you around, and you must comply, otherwise there will be trouble!! she migh really like being a bossy bitch when she gets to hide behind a persona!
I cant handle being alone always anymore. I tried talking to him about it, like you suggested on the dotspot, nothing helps. I am so close to quit trying. If only it wasnt for the kids. We were so good before he fell for that stupid game. UURGGGHH I hat
e that game
surina – have you googled information about evony? it is crazy addictive. if he’s still not gotten the message, and is spending more time playing the game than he is ‘in real life’, you’re going to have to start taking greater measures to support yourself with regards to the life you want to lead and the partner and husband you want for yourself.
i’m not sure why you say ‘if only it wasn’t for the kids’? do they need to see their parents living as strangers? their mother totally unhappy? their father more interested in a game than his wife or children? is it better for them or you that your money is going into a game?
this is not going to change by itself – give him an ultimatum for addiction therapy or marriage counselling and if he does not comply, file for separation. this isn’t going to change by itself. make the decision that is REALLY best for you and your children.
If you google Evony addicts you will find hundreds of marriages falling apart because of online gaming. Try checking out this website: http://www.olganon.org. Some really insightful stuff, hope it helps.
Personally give me human touch over gaming ANY day!!!
Hi Dot
I’d like your imput or help.
When having sex with my lady, the feeling is so intense and wow that i tend to orgazim before her. I have found using a condom does dull the feeling and helps to prolong my orgazim, but it effects our sexual life.What can i do to train my mind or control the feeling to pleasure her and us together.
Regards
My fiancé and I have a great sex life but lately she has started to move really quickly in the heat of the moment which is ok for her as it leads to her having quite a large orgasm but at the same time she is putting me off by doing this. Is there anything I could do to slow her down without minimizing her orgasm? I don’t want to spoil her moment but would like to enjoy it with her at the same time.
I have another question do majority of the women out there like to or fantasize about being banged by two guys at the same time or is that just in the porn?
My husband has difficulty in orgasming during sex and has not orgasmed for more than a year.He has no problem in maintaining an erection however his sex drive has decreased and it appears as though he has no interest in sex any more. He attributes this to stress at work.
Please help and advise on how to improve our sex life.
how do i tell . . . . i am marrid 4 5 years i love my husbind 2 bits BUT i have 2 complain . . . . His “junk” doz nothing 4 me any more! is ther somthing rong white me or what . how do i tell him and if i do how?
I was wondering if you or anyone else can help me with this question, why do women like bigger penises cause not all of us guys were blessed with long and thicker penises so once a girl sees that we dont live up to what she was hoping we would have, then they get all disappointed? Also when girls talk to their friends and complain about their guys penis size its really embarrassing for us that we dont have the “perfect penis” that all females are hoping for but yet again its not our fault if we could make our penises bigger about 95% of us would do it but its the same with female breasts some girls have smaller boobs than others but for me (not sure about the other guys) i’m more appreciative and happy with whatever boob size a girl has regardless of how big or small they are, so why are women more unhappy with our penis size??
hey dominic! Listen boet girl dont give a crap how big your cock is, they care about how good a orgasm you can give them!!! AND YOU DONT NEED A BIG COCK TO DO SO!!!
Work on your technique and remember foreplay is key! If you have them cumming they will stay and brag to their friens about the awesome orgasm you give! Good luck!
drawing a comparison between boob size and penis size doesn’t really work, simply because the one is an aesthetic turn-on and the other can be – for a lot of women – an actual physical matter of satisfaction. whether it’s length (reaching the cervix, for a cervix orgasm), girth (better g-spot stim or more pressure against the clitoral pads) or whatever, penis size does, very often, have a physical impact on the kind of sensations a woman’s vagina can experience.
however.
it’s not the only thing. and paul kruger has a point. if you’re a good, sensitive (as in, you’re able to listen to what is turning her on) lover and know how to please your partner, penis size isn’t going to be a problem. you can experiment with toys, use your hands, the rest of your body, your mouth – sex isn’t just about the genitals.
also. don’t confuse your ‘small’ penis with micropenises – they’re rare.
if your partner is making fun of your penis to her friends – drop her like a hot fucking potato
Hi Thanks so much for the replies really appreciate it but what i want to know is where can i learn more about foreplay to improve myself to become better at it?
i listen to you by chance this morning on 5FM and you advice was great.
i have a question for you. i have been married for 14 years now to a wonderful person who is my wife and best friend.
the problem is that for past 3months now it seems like she has just switch off and not interest in sex anymore.
she prefer we hold each other and sleep at night rather make love. when i go to touch her she moans and groans and push me away.
from having sex and making love at least 3-4 times a week we now only do the deed like once a week and that two if i am luck to get some action.
i am starting to get fustrated with this behaviour. i have spoken to my wife about three time now about this but everytime she just says that she is now in the mood or she try to put herself in the mood.
I love your show on 5fm, it’s always interesting and fun.
I am a young married guy with 2 kids. I feel that sometimes I do not pleasure my wife enough as I don’t last very long during sex. Sometimes its because the time between sex is a little long (like up to 3 weeks) as we have pretty hectic lives with the kids and we just don’t get the time. But then when we do I feel like its this big rush and we don’t savour it enough. Most of the time we both have an orgasm but I feel like it is forced from her side because I can’t keep control and she does not want to loose out. I am not really sure what to do.
Dot, you’re probably going to ban me from your site for imposing, sorry! David, I’m pretty sure the fact that you’re only doing it every 3 weeks is the problem – you’re testicles probably pretty full by then and you’re probably pretty horny, hence the reason why you can’t last very long. Can I suggest that you masturbate regularly? There’s really nothing wrong with it, in fact it’s good fopr the prostate and it teaches you to control your orgasm. Masturbate and then just before you reach orgasm, stop, cool down and then start again. Try and pinpoint that feeling you get when you are going to come. The result is that you’ll be able to last longer. It;s something I practise myself and it works, I can go for an hour. Over and above this try and organise weekly sex dates with your wife. This ensures that you keep teh spark alive bewteen the two of you. Its so easy to lose that spark in a marriage, especially with children around.
Hi Dot, I REALLY hope you can help me. I am 33 years old I have a daughter and happily married. I have NEVER had an orgasm EVER i really dont know what to do sometimes my husband brings it up during an argument and i really cant stand it. I really enjoy having sex but i just never get to the orgasm point i have had other partners besides my husband, obviously before we were married and there was no big O then either. I am quite a highly strung person maybe that is the reason i have no idea. I live in KwaZulu Natal and i dont know where to get help, a therapist or something i have no idea. Please help me.
Thanks so much!!
Claire
I am very happily married to the best lady in the world. We have two beautifull children and couldn’t be happier. Exept for the sex, before the children our sex was great. But since the children came, we only have sex once or twice a month. The sex is still good if we have. I can have sex every day and it won’t be enough. We talked about it and she said she will try and do something about it, but not much is happening. Do you have any advice???
Dot, if I may answer this one? Jakes, I can guess the reason why your wife does not feel like having sex is that she’s tired. Kids can be very demanding and draining. Help her out (if you’re not doing it already), share in the household duties. Also, you have to make time for yourselves, just the two of you. Organise a weekly sex date, get a babysitter, go out, or stay at home, get a sexy movie, or have a candle lit dinner, give. Enjoy each other with no distractions. The trick is to make time for yourselves and stick to that arrangement. It works for us.
I know that most guys have a decent average size penis but unfortunately i wasn’t blessed in that department so what tips can you give me so can i be help my girlfriend still have a great time in bed without my penis size being an issue?
Dot i have a few questions which i would like your advice on:
1) There is a saying that when a guy gives oral that he ate a girl out how can guys like myself learn how to do this or how can we learn how to improve our foreplay/oral game?
2)I’m not sure if you can help me with this question but as you know alot of guys are worried about their penis size when it comes to the bedroom, so my question is are there ways for guys like me to increase the length or girth of our penis’s without going under surgery?
so, i know this guy who is going through a divorce and the divorce is not final but she lives in another province. Anyway the divorce will be final in 2 months and him and I have been chatting which has turned into flirting. I have seen him once or twice and I am attracted to him and I know the feelings mutual. Its very early days. But am I setting myself up for hurt, do I sleep with him hoping I am not going to be the rebound and get the speech after “oh, I can’t get into a relationship right now but can we be friends with benefits”. I have not had a serious relationship in a few years and I am over the friends with benefits, it was fun but now I want to meet someone and put efffort into something worth while. Flip I don’t know what to do.
how do you know the feeling’s mutual? you’ve only seen him once or twice? it sounds like you’re dangerously close to overthinking this. anyway, are you sure this person is in any position to give you what you need emotionally? or is he just the most likely candidate to pin your ‘i want to meet someone’ hopes on?
if you sleep with someone you sleep with them because you want to, not because you expect something to happen from their side after you do. sex does not – ever – equal an immediate and monogamous relationship.
whether you’re a rebound for him or whether he’s something to fill a void for you or whether this is something worthwhile investing emotionally in (you’re already invested anyway) for both of you … no one can say for definite and for sure now. do what you feel is good for you, be honest with yourself and with him about how you feel and accept that nothing can be taken for certain in a highly emotional and volatile context such as divorce.
Are guys generally freaked out or accepting of women with large inner labia (labia minor)? And in terms of breast size, do you think guys generally believe bigger is better or are they not so fussed about that?
Ok so I have these married friends of mine that live in london and we chat a lot I was friend with the husband first and now we are all friends and we chat on skype often. Any who they have quite and open relationship as he is in a band has been for like 15 years so ya comes with the territory. In london only through have our found out more in the last 2 years about how big the swinging scene is over there and the huge parties @ clubs that they host these parties. So they are arriving tomorrow for 2 weeks and I did a bit of homework and living in durban I was like where the eff am I going to find a place or club so we can all go as I am single and keen to check out what this whole world is all about. What do you think or should I say what are your thoughts on these parties? The place in durban is called the silver stiletto and I started to join the website but to fully be a member I need to send a profile pic, shit I am in 2 minds but the cool thing is you can send like a pic of your legs or whatever. So yeah that’s what I wanted to ask…….
i think you should do whatever tickles your fancy – are you checking these parties out because you’re really keen or because you want to make an impression? have they asked you about places to play? are you curious for you or curious because you’re thinking of sleeping with them or because you think they want to sleep with you? the question is: what are you two minds about and why? what is causing that confusion. figure that out first and then:
1. whatever you do do for you
2. don’t pretend to know more than you do or be more comfortable with things than you are
3. no swinging/fetish/sex club in sa is EVER going to compete with what comes out of europe
4. sign up and use a pic of whatever you like
5. be safe, keep condoms on you and be comfortable with your yes and no
have fun!
xx
am 28 and married with one kid, i need your help on one thing(orgams),i have not reached orgasm since i was born until this day, and this has resulted me into hating sex, and i sometimes finish 2 to 3 weeks without it and i do not worry because to me its more like it does not exist and a its waste of time
i buy a loy of magazines that tlks about sex and all that just to learn on how i can rich orgasm, i even sometimes try to mastubate but still i do not come.
i have tried using the lube and some gel but still i do not come,
my guy recons i’m boring in bed, and i quote ‘i just can’t see us laughing and giggling and having fun in bed’.
to me, sex is getting to the orgasm. i concentrate, i have my little porn fantasy in my head, i come. it’s done.
i don’t see what is so giggly and funny.
is my head stuck in my ass, and if so, how do i remove it?
we are complete kids outside of bed, were run around in the reggies, sword fighting and huggies teddy-bears. we play x-box, play-fight, the whole schpiel, so it’s not like i’m boring all round. but, obviously, i’m boring in the sack.
what gives?
living your sex life through a fantasy distances you from the other person and from prevents you from really listening to what your body wants.
if you don’t listen to what your body wants, and live instead in your head, you don’t have to deal with uncomfortable things like being honest about what turns you on, you don’t have to be vulnerable with another person (because they then start playing an active role in your satisfaction) or worse, saying what doesn’t turn you on.
once you come out of the control space that is your head you have to face real intimacy and that is pretty scary if you’ve been hurt in the past or do not feel safe.
in my opinion, sex isn’t about the orgasm. good sex with a partner you love is about intimacy and exploring and having fun. but you can’t do this if you don’t trust yourself or your mate. it sounds like you have a lot of exploring to do. you’re not boring in bed, it sounds like you’re scared and that can come from a whole lot of places.
My fiance’ and I have been together for 2 and a half years. We have an awesome, functional relationship with communication and honesty. We also have a healthy sex life. The question I have is about spicing things up a bit. He sometimes likes having sex “doggy style” and I find it quite uncomfortable. I would like to try some new things (and we do) but it seems that this position is something that he enjoys – I would like to please him too. I’ve told him that it is uncomfortable for me and so we’ll stop and go back to regular positions. Any suggestions? Thanks so much Dot :)
Hello there.
I was married to this woman who betrayed me and had a kid by someone I considered a kid for multiple reason I don’t wanna waste time mentioning here. She broke up with him few months layer and now she is bragging about married someone else her first dude might considered a kid too. Right now I am having a blast, I couldn’t be happier for seeing not only what happen to her previous dude, but also how low she’s falling. She actually previously humiliated this new guy before having a kid for the last one.
Now my point is I feel guilty for been happy to see her falling a part because I know and all the situations prove she will be messing this new marriage too.
From my religious point of view it is wrong to get satisfaction from someone misery, but I just can’t stop having fun on this one.
I went trough so much because of her and mostly wasted my opportunity because of it. I had a choice and obviously made a wrong one by choosing her. A lot were said between us and it seems everything is on my favor now.
Is is really selfish do think this way? What can I do to not fall in this pattern of gruesome ?
By the way I just wanted to share and have your opinion or anyone else on this. Thanks
Oh dot…things have gone past the point of just a crush now..we slept together, me and my boyfriends best friend. And what I think is so strange is that I don’t feel guilty. Is that normal???
oh sweetie. well, actually that just makes it a lot easier, because now your choices are pretty simple : stay and lie about it, stay and come clean or be honest and leave …
Firstly I’d like to say I completely agree with Kate. Who has the heart to do something like that and not feel guilty? Iv got two thoughts here… 1 you are mentally unstable or 2 you just just didn’t love your boyfriend at all. If you did love him you would be feeling genuinely terrible. I hope he knows about what happened. What type of a friend dose that to a friend? I wish people would just be faithful nowadays… I say this because I know what it’s like to be cheated on and lied too. It’s not worth the pain. They say treat people the way you want to be treated. Well you made a perfect example.
Well I don’t think this will be sucha long question but hey here we go… I’ve been together with my gal for 3 years and things has always been up and down (and that’s not in the bedroom). I’ve become well bored in the relationship sexualy and generaly for the past year or so and I’ve brought it up to her but things don’t seem to change for longer than 2 weeks then it all jusy goes back to ”normal” if that’s what I could call it.
The sex is actualy were it started in the sence of just the same positions every time and by positions I meen 3 lol and when I try initiate and other positions it JUST TO MUCH effort if u get what I meen. So that’s all made me distant from the relationship. I’ve had experience in the whole cyber jazz and I think I did that for the sole perpous that my sex life just didn’t cut it anymore. I am stuck in the middle of wanting to be happy and on the other side wanting a sexual active relationship wich I aint getting??? All this has actualy made my feelings go away and now I dunno how to get outa this hole. Please any advice would be greatfull :-)
Sometimes, not always, when I get sexually aroused, I sneeze. Been happening since puberty. I always thought I was strange, but after some research I found out that it is not that uncommon. Any thoughts? Know anyone this happens to? Maybe an idea for an article?
curious. though, i’d be pressed to write a whole column on it … though maybe one on odd sexual tics … it’s not really something i’ve come across at all… unless you count this one bozo i slept with that could be described as one whole odd sexual tic
Just read up on it. On wikipedia they call it sexually-induxed sneezing of Honeymoon rhinitis. The experts don’ really know hat causes it but one expert speculates that some nerves are crossed, another reckons there’s erectile tiisue in the nose that gets engorged with blood and then irritates the nose. Some people experience it after orgasm. Some have bad bouts of sneezing. Luckily I sneeze only spmetimes when thinking about sex and only one or two sneezes. However, its aeways a dead giveaway to my wife. There is very little research on the condition. Would be interesting to find out how many people in SA have this condition. I think I may write something about this on my blog sometime. :-)
well i think i asked this before but never got an answer ..
My Girlfriend and myself have been going out 5 years . i Don’t think we can go a few days without sex, which i great i’m sure you would agree.However we have tried everything (i think) you know all the different positions, toys, places oral and anal. for some reason we both are always searching for new things . Do you have any for us?
this is also a worrying factor for me .. are we getting board of one another?
My girlfriend and I have been dating for more than 3 years and in this time only had sex about 10-15 times.
This is greatly because she experiences a sharp pain during sex if I go more than half way in. She also explains that after about 2 min it gets really warm “down there”…
I also suggested we go see a gyno together but she is to shy, so I’m all out of ideas for this.
All the other websites hint at that I may be to big for her, but if this is true, then will it be like this for the rest of our lives, and what can we do to improve on this?
Would like your input on this please?
ps. sorry for posting on the wrong place the first time. Hopefully it does it right this time…
i suggest she takes some responsibility for herself, her body and your relationship and sees a gynae. i understand the shyness, but all sexually active women of any age should go see a women’s health doctor annually. there’s no other alternative answer to your question and, unless you are LITERALLY hung like a horse, i can guarantee you it’s not that you’re ‘too big’.
My wife and I watch porn together. I have also watched quite a bit of porn in my time. Why is it so widespread in porn that the guy must ejaculate into the woman’s mouth and she swallows? I assume its a turn on for guys. Personally, it doesn’t really do anything for me. My wife finds it disgusting, she always looks away during the “money” shot. We have recently been looking at couples porn where there are very few facials. I’ve just always wondered whether facial come shots are a turn on for other guys. And for girls?
personally, i’m really not into that at all. it’s a real turn off for me. i’m not sure what the history of the facial cum shot is, but it’s generally believed that facial cum shots are so popular for much the same reason mainstream yawn-porn is — it objectifies, subjugates and belittles women. i won’t go into the whole yadda yadda about it now, but you’ve given me an idea for column about this. thanks. so stay tuned for a more indepth answer than yes. and yes, it’s very popular with many other guys. i believe that this is generally because many guys feel emasculated and disempowered. i don’t know one gf who likes facial cum shots.
Thanks Dot. I’m sure there are some women who do find it a turn on but I think they are a small minority. I’d prefer my porn without facials. In fact I don’t even need to see any sort of come shot. I personally prefer watching women orgasm – that’s MUCH more of a turn on for me! Looking forward to the article!
Recently I happened to find myself in my car whenever you have your 15 minutes of fame on the wireless. Some of the stuff doesn’t apply to us males but I rate the stuff you say (and write).
Let me return to the subject at hand, I’m a sophomore student at one of the many illustrious universities in the Cape, I have a car, I go out often, I make sure I’m well groomed, I’m in my peak physical condition (well apart from a bit of beer flab), down to earth and generally an average straight oke…
There is this girl in one of my lectures, she’s pretty cute and I find her interesting but I don’t have any clue of how to approach her…I stare quite a bit but I make sure its not overboard… I’ve never really done this before without any Dutch courage. Its very easy to say “nut-up” if you don’t have nuts but I get that all the time…nut-up and say what? What would any woman want to hear from a complete stranger in that situation?
Hi Dot,
I am 33 years old & my wife is 30. we have 2 children aged 3 & 6. I have an ordinary job while my wife is employed as a fashion designer & travels around the world every 6 to 8 weeks to buy jeans. We have been together on & off for 16 years & married for the last 5. We broke up often when we were younger because I,m told, I was too posesive but actually Tami slept with several guys & often on the night they got together. In January 2011 Tami went to LA where she met an old friend. She slept with him all three days & several times a day. They had unprotected sex & this guy does not know his HIV status! I found out through snooping, facebook, emails etc. She got back on my birthday & told me she did not love me. We tried working through it & eventually I tried taking my life. I am now on serious schizophrenia, psychotic & bipolor meds. We discussed divorce but Tami said its not an option! She says she is sorry but I have not seen any remorse as yet. She says that she now realises that she loves me & wants to build our marraige through God & the church. She went overseas again this week & I have experienced hell all over again & fear that were it not for the kids who I had to look after this week, I may have gone on a complete drug binge & possibly end up killing myself.
Dot, I love my wife more than anything but fearthat this will happen again…any advise will be appreciated.
roger. she sounds like a bitch. and i’m not one for calling women bitches, but for chrissakes. from the sounds of your mail she is reckless, abusive and a danger to your health and that of your children. unless you’re into serious emotional masochism (which many people are) why on earth are you still with her? so my advice? get thee to therapy and take it from there. and if you’re on meds, i’m not talking ‘get thee to a psychiatrist who will up your dosage’ … i mean get thee to a therapist that deals specifically with codependency. for your sake and the sake of your children. as she seems to have shown you no respect, i wouldn’t worry about her feelings in the least.
I recently got to know an old friend a little better and realised how seriously attracted to him I am. ( we were both in relationships when we met)
I know he is not the type to flirt and when I thought he might be flirting with me I realised that that’s just how he treats all girls.
I cant seem to read him though and have no idea if the attraction is mutual.
Having said that, I am really just looking to have some fun and am very much not interested in a relationship.
So, should I flirt my ass off? How will I tell if he is into me too?
Help!
I checked Internet browsing History and Hubby has been checking out ‘Zoo Tube” – Dog sex & Animal sex .. I just need to throw up in my mouth a little.
MMM… should I be disturbed? Is this ok? I don’t know what to make of this? What what what?
I can handle him watching Milfs – but this.
Dont ask why I check the history – I just do!
Love and happiness!
Recently a guy that was at school with me contacted me and said that he has been in love with me since school.
I didnt think much of it, as its already 14 years later.
Then we started chatting and we got more involved. I developed feelings for him. Im involved more than i want to be.
The problem is, is that he is married. He’s not been married for very long, about 2 and a half years.
I believe that men look for adventure in their marriage. They dont screw around because they love their wifes less, its just that they lack something in their marriage.
Is it wrong of me to wish that he would leave his wife for me? Im to selfish to have an affair.
Should i just forget about him? Should i move along swiftly and just pretend that this never happened?
Im not very religious, but can i pray that he leaves his wife?
I seriously need advice here. If its from a complete stranger, i think it will be easier for me to accept and do.
baby you know the answer here. but in case you don’t, here’s a rundown:
• he’s not going to leave his wife
• if he’s loved you since school, why didn’t he say something earlier
• you don’t know what’s going on in their marriage; he could be married for 2 years or 20, it makes no difference
• you’re making assumptions about what’s happening in his marriage instead of focusing on what you need in your life
• selfish is good; your needs are important
• you can’t pretend this never happened, but you do need to look after your own heart — he goes home to a family, who do you go home to?
• he is not going to leave his wife while he can have a home AND a mistress
dump his bum and if he’s serious he’ll make the choices he needs to to be with you … of course, you might have to deal with the reality that this will very likely not happen
I’d be interested to see how this turns out… I’ve thought about it, but it seems like a no-return cliff in a relationship after which you can never really get back what you had…
Hey Dot …
Been wondering, i just started seeing a new guy now , we had sex for the first time, he is really really huge …im 24 years old and had a few well endowed partner before …but this one takes the cake… at first it felt like i was losing my virginity all over again second time round felt much better… now i was wondering do women stretch ? im just worried what if things between us dont last , will i ever enjoy sex again with a guy with a small penis? lol this may be kinda silly of me but im curious as to what your knowledge on this is?
May 7, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Hey Dot. Know any good, ahem, physical sex stores in Cape Town. Can only find online
Later
Robin
May 4, 2012 at 12:01 pm
hi dot….my boyfriend is, like any other man addicted to porn. we have been together for 5 years, and he knows that i don’t like it, yet he still does it secretly. unknowingly he gives signs to me that he has it. always hidden under some random name or in hidden folders. should i stay or go?we live together, tired of struggeling with the same issue, coz i dont know how to handle it. he just doesnt stop it.
Charise
April 30, 2012 at 4:08 pm
Really? you wanna leave your guy because he watches porn??? this is insane! im a young female and do not see anyting wrong with entertaining yourself with porn from time to time…actually its quite intriguing. ever thought that you are the issue here? hey dont get me wrong im not judging , im just saying think about it… dont try and change him … if porn is a issue in your relationship i suggest you give your relationship some thought…
May 7, 2012 at 4:48 pm
ag jirre Dot. you know mos.
i am starting to become embarrased at my non-existant libido.
my friends have status updated about impromptu early morning bonks. and people here are seriously active.
what in crickey fuck am i supposed to about lacking oomph?
at first, i though it was because i was on the pill. havent been in in years now (IUD instead).
I am on no meds. at all.
yet, i have regular me-time. and very raunchy dreams, if ya gets my drift.
what do?
the last time i had nookie, was over two months ago. it bothers me not a bit.
any advice much appreceated,
April 26, 2012 at 10:39 am
Oh yes, just posted the one about finding the elusive G spot.. I read the article further. No wonder the expert found that the “g Spot” stretches from 8.1mm to 33mm… The subject was an 83 year old woman!!
April 25, 2012 at 7:04 pm
Hi Dot…
The link below refers.
As a man trying my best to please, I have been trying for years to find it, exploring all over my partners vagina, to no avail. I was expecting a much larger area. Is it true that it is hardly the size of a match head?
http://www.health24.com/news/Sexuality/1-944,74068.asp
April 25, 2012 at 7:01 pm
Nut jobs and recovery
Hi Dot – love your Dot Spot
Im having problems understanding my ex boyfriend who is 51. He is obsessed with his penis and erection and has been using Human Growth Hormones and Testosterone injections. He has no problem getting it hard and masturbates every day then complains when he cant cum when it gets down to sexy time…
He has very bad mood swings and blows hot and cold at the smallest things.
We broke it off after a good stretch of 6 months because I hadnt seen him in 4 days and obviosly I hadnt stroked his ego enough. He gave me the cold shoulder when I arrived and had to drag it out of him what the matter was… He then said I was full of shit just like his ex girlfriend and told me to throw all my insecurities at him… I didnt say a word… I asked to leave then confronted him and asked if he had intentionally tried to hurt me and he said yes. I said I didnt think I wanted to be with someone who intentionally hurt me and he should apologise to me but he told me to FUCK OFF… So I did… I took my shit and I left. I sent him a msg later asking if it was sure this time that he wanted it to be over and he replied saying he didnt feel close to me anymore, sex was a challenge and he couldnt give me children. He also said he know I cant, but it would be nice to get tipsy together… I am a recovering alcoholic (19 months clean). I accepted this and decided to let him go and try to move on. I did have some wonderful times with him. During the following month I would occasionally check his whatsapp status and it was always very informitive as to what he was getting up to. Then these messages started coming through like: There’s a place in me where your kisses still linger your touch is still warm and your whispers still echo… I didnt respond to any of this as I had found him on an internet dating site and thought he had moved on. A month to the day after I put a status on my whatsapp saying I was having a good time he sent me a photo and then a conversation got going on whatsapp…. He loved me and missed me so much and wanted to get me back. I had then told him that I nearly relapsed due to the hurt he caused me and if he was looking for a girlfriend then he can keep on looking on line – but if he is very serious then I will hear what he has to say…
He spund me a story and said he wanted to grow old with me and eventually get married when we were both ready and he wanted me to live with him in the R10 mil house he baught and put in a R250K kitchen for me!!!??? He threw cars and phones and dogs and the white picket fence at me. I said I wanted love and commitment and understanding… I cant love material items. He wanted to go to see a couples therapist and I went to see her first. After this I went to lunch with him and he got a text msg from a whore saying hot and horney and wet and wild back in Durban… he showed me the msg and I told him to reply saying how much? The reply was: same as last time… I demanded he call the number and put it on loud speaker so I could hear but he snuck off the the loo and so I then asked to see his phone. I couldnt work the ipone but I found other messages from another woman and he has used my messages of AA recovery on this woman – acceptance = peace… I could see he had ended it and asked if he had slept with her and he had of course… The next day he went to see the couples therapist on his own and we had an appointment the next day together. I surrendered all the shit about the whore msg and we were not together when he was with this other woman and I was ok to move fwd. He had said to me he was totally commited to me and he was so sure that he wanted me and to settle down and marry me – I just wanted to get engaged. He started to back peddle on the Wed before the double session and when I called him he said he had changed his mind about us!!! Then the follwoing day he was off the the Burg with the new chick and her son and friends….
What I dont get is that he checks my whatsapp status and I put broken hearts up – i then get texts from him – I told him I love him even tough he has hurt me and he admits he loves me and misses everything about me but cant even be a friend to me…. Is he just dangling the hook or keeping the door ajar so if he gets bored with the new chick – he thinks I will always be there as a doormat or is there something wrong with this man who is hot and cold and who has no feelings about me or my life or what he did after I told him I could relapse if he was not cautious with my feelings….
I cant let go of this horrible intense emotional pain and need a way forward. I am 34, attractive and dont know how to meet people anymore being sober… I dont like to hang out in bars and internet dating I cant do…..
Lost puppy… looking for a way forward :(
The psychologist said that it is not me and the man has a huge ego and small self worth…..
April 18, 2012 at 9:28 pm
Wow, sounds like exactly the type of man who gives us men a bad name, you deserve so much better, trust me….
April 19, 2012 at 5:12 pm
Insecure, manipulative. Move on Jenga. take it from an old man (53)
April 25, 2012 at 7:08 pm
Hi Jenga
The answer is very simple. He is negatively affecting your recovery. You are in a messy codependent relationship with this nut job. Put your sponsor on speed dial, kick him out of your life and up your therapy or group sessions.
you KNOW this is the only way forward.
April 26, 2012 at 8:24 am
Hey Dot,
I was hoping that you could give me some advice. I’m a 21 year old man, still studying, so I know I’m still young. But, it seems like I just can’t find a girl for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am an attractive guy, even if I have to say so myself. So getting girls is never a problem, neither is getting sex. But where the problem comes in, is when I find a girl that I ACTUALLY LIKE, but it seems like they never like me back. And I know that I have the image of a “player”, I probably have earned it, but not proud of it. The only reason why I can come up with for being a player is that, I don’t want people to see how it hurts to be alone.
Recently, I had something going on with a girl, and we really loved eachother, but looks like love coudn’t beat the distance between us, so she kind of broke it off on Sunday. And again, I started out really liking this girl and started to love her aswell. So this week I went to the gym, and I met this gorgeous, amazing and interesting girl and we started talking and chatting on the phone. And I told my closest mates living with me about her and said that I am really interested in her. So I told her, I’m not looking to be friends, I want to get to know her and see where things go. She then told me that she is kind off seeing her ex boyfriend again, but its not gonna workout between them, so she agreed to get to know eachother. Then the next day she came to visit me quickly just to say hi, and all went well, or so I thaught. When we both left again for our classes, I texted her and said thak you for visiting, I really enjoyed seeing her again. And no reply. Then later when I knew that her classes had finished, I text her again and said that I hope she had a nicce afternoon and a good day further, again, no reply. I then went to the gym and text her again, asking her if something was wrong, she said no, but I knew she was lying, but I didb’t say anything about it. So later on I asked her what she was doing, and she told me she is at her ex boyfriends place. Now I didn’t reply, because I dan’t want to make a scene over it. So later she sent me a text, asking me how I could like her so much, we bareley know eachother etc etc. And a long short, she deleted me on BBM, and I asked her on facebook why she did that, and she said its because I’m to much for her. I can give you more examples of girls that I was interested in but didn’t work out, similar stories, different endings, the one even got married.
I know that I have trust issues, no doubt about it. I had a girlfriend, serious one, who I have heard has cheated on me on several occasions, so I think that is where I kinda got scared. Its so difficult for me to trust a girl enough to go into a relationship. So when a girl is interested in me, I usually don’t trust her and then I’m not interested, or when I do trust a girl, she is not interested. Or the other way it uasually goes is, I cheat on them before they can cheat on me.
Then the girls who I worship the ground they walk on and will never cheat on and trust them not to do so too, walk on me instead of the ground….
Please Dot, I’m in deperate need of help. I don’t want to go on like this, just this once, I want a girl that I like, like me back enough to be with me…
April 18, 2012 at 10:10 am
Hi Dot,
What to do if your comfort zones differ?
My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year and I’m loving the sex. He’s an inventive and considerate lover with a really great dick. He was suprised that I’d never owned a vibrator and encouraged me to get one and experiment. I got one of the small bullet ones and we regularly include it in our foreplay.
Recently he’s been bring up the idea of anal sex. I was awfully uncomfortable with the idea. I’m my head it was ‘dirty’ sex. A couple of days later however, I did take the time to look at my reaction and question if that was my reaction or just a conditioned response.
Unfortunately, the answer I came up with is “I’m not really sure”.
I think the only way I’ll be able to make any sort of decision is if I know more but it’s not the easiest thing to research! How does it work? Surely you need to build up to something like this? The penetration I mean. And do you combine anal and vaginal sex in the same session? I love to go down on him but I can’t imagine that’s a good idea combine with anal? And is the sexual pleasure comparable, lacking a prostate as we do?
April 12, 2012 at 4:25 pm
Anal sex makes just about everyone cringe the first time its brought up due to its tabooness and all the myths surrounding it. We’ve been taught that the anus is private, dirty and should thus be exit only and cannot be a sexual body part so you can’t be blamed for thinking that its dirty sex. I think its great that you are willing to compromise and potentially give it a try despite these feelings. You don’t necessarily have to like it but at least you are giving it a thought and I’m sure this will be greatly appreciated by your partner compared to if you just brushed it aside as dirty sex.
You are on the right track with researching about it first before making a decision. Its not something that you should dive into unprepared. It will most likely be unpleasurable if you approach it that way. As you said, you need to build up to it. You are also right, its not the easiest thing to research on. Actually it is but finding good literature that explains it well and makes you feel comfortable is what makes it hard. I luckily stumbled across a book that changed my perceptions on it and warmed me up further to it. Its called ‘The Ultimate To Anal Sex For Women’. Google it and you should find the ebook version which you can save and read at your pleasure and pace. It should be easy to find but if you can’t let me know (follow the link attached to my name) and I can email it to you via fake email adds of course lol.
Its a very well written book and what makes it such a delight to read is that one, its written by a fellow woman. The tone of the book is friendly, humorous, enthusiastic and you can’t help but feel like you are getting advice from your openminded girlfriend. She starts by dispelling myths surrounding anal such as it being dirty, immoral, unnatural etc. Then she discusses anal hygiene, eroticism, toys, masturbation, penetration, health and includes illustrations etc. She also provides other good reads on the topic although I can’t imagine any being better. I’m sure you’ll enjoy reading it and perhaps make you more openminded to it.
Even though we lack a prostrate, what makes anal pleasurable is the anus’ abundance of nerve endings. Try it yourself in the shower one day gently using your a clean finger or two and that should be a good starting point.
Good luck.
April 20, 2012 at 8:05 am
Hi Gun-shy, tried emailing you but the email was sent back. Maybe contact me directly on my email address so that I can get the right one.
May 4, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Second email address bounced back as well. Webmail seems to be rejecting mail from Gmail. Perhaps get a non webmail account? Sorry
May 7, 2012 at 4:12 pm
Hi Dot,
My wife and I have a great sex life-no complaints there. The only issue is that lately her vjj has a funky smell and has had an impact on our foreplay.
Any ideas as to what we could do?
April 11, 2012 at 2:53 pm
hey! a sparky doppleganger! :) tell her to go see a gynae – don’t fuck around with that – might be nothing serious, but you really don’t want to take any chances
April 11, 2012 at 7:48 pm
Evony has caused my 20 year marriage breakdown to an Australian woman living in Canberra – her name is Heidi Ann Mari Lindgren and I am trying to get her telephone number or email address, Evaon is a ware gaeme and a cover up for sex and affairs, my husband is besotted with this game and has lost all interest to work he has been unemployed now for 6 months and continues to play this game, how do I get him to stop other than divorce
March 29, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Darling. I’ve heard this problem over and over again. Unless your husband drops the game and gets some counselling for addiction, separation might be your only option to get your life back. You might want to look at going for some sort of counselling as well to help you process this as an actual addiction that you are powerless against.
dot
March 29, 2012 at 3:17 pm
Thank you for your advice dot
We will be going to councilling
Regards
April 2, 2012 at 3:25 pm
My girlfriend and I went through an abortion over a year ago, and our sex life has become dull and boring. I’m lucky if we have sex once a month. I feel like she hates me because of the abortion. Have you got any advice for me?
March 1, 2012 at 10:38 am
I have arranged a group activity between my wife and I and another married couple, the wife of the other married couple helped arrange everything but the husband doesn’t know, we definitely making sure to include him in the actual activity. My wife needed some time and space to wrap her around it which she got and she is now on board with a “try anything once” attitude, the other wife is all good to go providing there’s no cross penetration, which I believe is great boundary , one of many that we discussed. Now… as everyone is gearing to go (this friday) Im having a major back pedal episode worrying about all sorts of stuff , changing the group dynamic and potentially risking a great friendship and wondering why on earth did I set this wheels in motion and of course potentially being (_!_) nekkid in front of other people.
One side if my brain is saying. man the eff up and do it.
The other is saying..panic panic panic panic omg
What Would Captain Jack Sparrow Do?
February 28, 2012 at 8:39 am
Dear Dot,
How common is it to not orgasm throu penetrative sex. I am 37 years old and I think it has happened to me once.
I would appreciate your advice as to what you would recommend my partner and I do to help me reach penetrative orgasm.
I look forward to hearing back from you
February 27, 2012 at 4:10 pm
Dorothy,
Please, I need your help.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and ±8mnths. The problem: he is still friends with his ex ex girlfriend. That is a big problem in our relationship because we both know that she is not over him. Everytime he goes to his parents house in another town he meets up with her. I don’t know what to think. He says he’ll never cheat and doesn’t see her like a gf but as a friend. She is a good family friend according to the family.
I told him that he has to break this friendship because it’s not right to be friends with your ex. Am I wrong and over reacting?
Hope you can help me!
February 18, 2012 at 11:52 pm
Hi Dot, I’m a bit worried about my wife’s behavour of late, she has been talking more and more about her boss of late for a long time actually. How he compliments her and and. Then she came to me and suggested a open relationship, I was ignorent and didn’t really know what it means so she explained to me, at first I was excited, but said no the following day, left at that, then a couple of weeks later it was brought up again. I asked her who does she want to have it with and she mentioned her boss’s name. I still haven’t agreed to it and not sure if she has done anything. There r phn calls on her phn from him but its always “work related”. I have seen messages on her phn from him with” hugs” and “kiss’s” but gets removed as soon as she realizes its on there, only his messages gets removed no one else’s. Should I b worried or not?
February 24, 2012 at 2:40 pm
what do you think? i think yes. and i think you need to have a very serious discussion about what is going on and how she plans to move forward with this. polyamory (an open relationship between consenting adults) is practised quite extensively but it is not everyone’s cup of tea, and frankly takes a LOT more emotional work and maturity than most of us have or realise.
sit her down, find out what’s going on. she is planning, if she is not already, cuckolding you under your nose. in fact, she is practically advertising it. step in, set our boundaries, get some answers… don’t be acting like an unsuspecting dork fool.
February 24, 2012 at 2:46 pm
Last year I broke up with my BF…end of feb will be a year now that we have broken up. The reason why I broke up with him is because I always felt like he wasn’t honest with me that something wasn’t right. He is a dancer and he had been dancing with this partner for about 12 years so she was like his best friend. But in a suttle way she used to interfere in our relationship. She just knew how to piss me off and used to tell him now that you have a gf she don’t see anymore and also every sunday they used to go to church together. Besides this there were other small things that added to the breakup. Three months later he met someone knew and started dating this chick. Then one day at work he came to me and urgently need to speak to me. Told me he was so sorry and didn’t realise it before. But now that his dating somone else his dancing partner interfere and spread rumors about his current gf. The reason why she did it, is that she is in Love with him which she confessed to him. My reply was well its too late now as his in a new relationship. That day I felt a bit at peace. Then 2 months later he came to tell me his engaged. So I said with a girl you only know for 6 months and you knew me for almost three years and also to top it he just stopped dancing with his partner. Then he said well with me he wasn’t ready but he is now. So I said that don’t make sense. And walked away. We are now on speaking terms and he sits right next to me at work. Just want to know was I right to let him go? And what is his reason for just jumping so soon into another relationship?
February 16, 2012 at 10:24 pm
curious girl he sounds like a dick. I had a cousin doing the same and it backfired badly. its just a rebound girl and he soon will realize what a fuck up he made leaving an treating you like shit.
February 19, 2012 at 12:57 pm
What can i do to cure genital warts, is it curable and can it be treated?
What do i do ?
February 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm
Hi There,
I have been dating this girl for about three months and about 5 weeks ago we found out she is pregnant. She has been a little emotional and sick as expected and recently she told me that she heard having sex in the first 3 months of being pregnant can be harmful to the baby. Regardless if this is true I can respect her feelings regarding this.
However she then gave me full permission to sleep around with other woman in the mean time till she is in a position to do so again. I at first thought she was joking but she said she has no problem with it at all.
This has really shocked me and question why she would be happy with something like that and also how serious she is about our relationship. I also now question if she is so easily comfortable with me sleeping with other people how likely would she cheat on me when the opportunity comes her way.
I am at a loss and not sure how to react to this. Please can you give me some helpful advise.
February 3, 2012 at 11:05 am
Tsk, tsk.There’s plaenty guys whom will call you a lucky dog, then some that might agree with your doubts.Truth is, the answer is right there staring you in the face.She’s pregnant, emotional, hormonal.The ulimate test is will you invoke said suggestion.You’re being tested, she’ll change her mind.Relax, stay at home, plan the nursery.There’s more to life than sex.
February 8, 2012 at 11:06 am
Did I do the right thing by letting her go?
Hi Dot
For the past couple of months my girlfriend of 6 years has been pointing out all my flaws and things I don’t do for her. It’s not that I try to neglect her but rather I’m that bad of a boyfriend. I’m not the romantic type but I can’t stand to think of a life without her.
All I ever wanted was for us to have kids and grow old together but we can’t seem to agree on the same things. She’s been wanting to get married for some time now but I don’t think we financially ready for that yet. We both 26 years young.
Recently I have made the decision to let her go. She’s grown weary of me not being the man she wants in her life.
I believe she can do a lot better than me. She deserves someone who will shower her with love and affection everyday. I just wish I could be that guy but I’m not that affectionate.
It sound corny but every day without her is a day wasted.
Dot… Did I do the right thing by letting her go…?
February 1, 2012 at 12:08 pm
Did she turn around and walk away? Yes? Then yes, you made the right decision. Could you both reach a comprise and make some personal changes that would keep your relationship afloat? No? Then yes, you made the right decision. Do you want to get married now? No? She does? Yes? Then you made the right decision.
Stop saying you let her go because you believe there is someone better for her. SHE believes there is someone better for her, YOU weren’t happy with how she was treating you. YOU made the best decision for YOU.
It sucks now, but it will get better.
February 1, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Another worm in the hole
Hi there,
I love your site and only found it about a month ago.
Well, I’m sure you heard about this problem several times before, but I need to know…please! Anyway, when my girlfriend and i finally got together about a year ago we took it slow and only fooled around. Finally the day we went further I loved how tight she was, down there of course, and couldnt get enough. She has a great sex drive and all that is great!!! Then I started working away from home, overseas, and after I returned after a month we had some homework to do, but I wasnt sure why she wasnt as tight anymore??? Back in the beginning I could get one finger in, but two fingers didnt want to go…then as I said when we had some homework to catch up on, I could slide in 2 fingers with ease.
Now, I might be wrong, but what a ex told me way back is that when a girl isnt active, it tends to tighten up…not sure if thats true.
Anyway, you can see where I’m going…she says its because of her age and it happens to women as they mature, but I’m not so sure as when your only 30.
It has never been as tight ever again and I’m away for 4 weeks and back home for 4 weeks. So I want to know what she says is true or might there be another worm in the hole?
I need to know as I have been cheated on several times before and dont want to go through that again and I dont want to get all paranoid stressed over something that might be nothing. I do believe her, but need to hear from someone whom clearly understands the female genitalia, yes thats you.
Thanks.
January 27, 2012 at 9:54 pm
well thank you for the lovely compliments, but ‘another worm in the hole’? hm.
while I’m no physiologist, from what i understand, a period of abstinence might mean that the vaginal canal feels ‘tighter’. How tense a woman is also makes a difference to how easily objects can penetrate her. the more tense she is, the tighter she feels and, sometimes, the more difficult it can be to enter her. i would say that by the sounds of things, after some time with you she’s no longer shy or tense to be with you. hence, she doesn’t clam up. this is a good thing.
also, there is a strong possibility that she is satisfying herself while you are away with her own hands or a dildo/vibrator of sorts, which would mean her body is becoming more used to being penetrated. i certainly hope that she is.
maybe you should stop worrying about whether you think she’s cheating or not because she’s not as ‘tight’, and focus on instead, and be thankful for, the fact that your gf has a great sex drive, is into you and still wants to sleep with you.
if my bf kept asking me why i wasn’t tight anymore and accusing me of shagging someone else because of it i’d tell him to fuck off.
January 31, 2012 at 1:14 pm
Thanks for the reply and it feels great hearing this, as I didnt want to go that route about cheating, etc. as the end result would probably be just that, she telling me to fuck off…I love her and want to marry her and have babie…just want to be sure she is the right woman for me…
Thanks Dot, you just made my day!!!
January 31, 2012 at 6:54 pm
you’re welcome :)
January 31, 2012 at 7:00 pm
hi there dot..
small issue i have which i would like some advice from you please?
here goes..i have been with a young lady for about 7yrs now and the sex is as dry as the kalahari the first 3yrs we were together we use to play alot and have alot of oral anywhere and we both enjoyed it,without any sex due to virginity issues, i then lead to temptation and slept with a friend of mine, we broke up and she met a friend of mine and slept with him in the first weeks of their fling, that lasted 6mths and we hooked up again me thinking things would be different(dumbass) the sex was great doing it whenever we could, the lust lasted several weeks then it just dissappeared and still to be found she doesnt ever kiss me the way she used to or touch me in that way,i have to basically force myself onto her at night and that only happens once a yr if im lucky the rest of the time she pushes me away..is she cheating on me?does she not fancy me sexually anymore or is it that she just has no sex drive?some people i speak to tell me she might be batting for the other team…i dont know what to do anymore should i stay should i go?all i really want is a healthy average sex life im not getting younger and have needs, if she does not attend to them what am i to do?i do look at other woman and often considering cheating but dont want to hurt her again.
please could you maybe give me some sort of guidance dot it would be much appreciated..
enjoy the rest of your week
January 17, 2012 at 9:49 pm
Hi Dot :) I stumbled upon your blog today after reading your excellent article (Getting Real about HIV).I was wondering.. How did you become a sex-editor-at-large?
November 21, 2011 at 12:36 pm
i’m a journalist, i just chose sex as my ‘beat’ as opposed to crime or politics. you live, learn and talk to shit loads of people.
November 21, 2011 at 12:39 pm
Hi dot I have a problem. I love sex with my fiancé an she does not like it, it feels that I can’t satisfy her she tells me that she hates sex what do I do?
November 21, 2011 at 10:59 am
Sex : It takes two to tango
I’m 20 years old. I am in a wonderful relationship and we have been dating for the past year. The one problem we have is (or rather me) our sex life. I lost my virginity to him in May and until today I have not reached an orgasm with him.
In June he suggested that I try masturbating to find out what I really want and I have only reached orgasm once. I told him this, and he was happy about it but I still don’t reach orgasm with him. The frustrating thing is that he always reaches it before me. Last weekend I sat him down and we had an in-depth talk about our sex life trying to find out about our likes, dislikes etc.
When I told him that it frustrates me that he always reaches orgasm before me, he said that he doesn’t know what’s wrong with me and that when he is making love to me he only focuses on his intent to get an orgasm.
This upset me even further that he does not take my feelings into consideration and we had a lengthy talk about this point and what I have realised (bless his poor heart), is that he has the wrong information about sex.
My question to you is how can I try convince him otherwise that sex is about mutual satisfaction and not about him getting his rocks off and rolling over when he is done?
I love your column in Women24 and read a whole lot of Cosmopolitan and I realised that so many women around the world, cannot be lying about this ‘Big O’ they are talking about.
Thank you so much for your time!!
November 14, 2011 at 5:06 pm
You can’t convince someone that sex is not a solo ride, but a matter of pleasure for all involved parties. they are either open to being shown and you are patient and open to showing; or you move on and find a more sensitive partner.
so let’s assume you’re going to stick around and help him evolve his sex game a bit. let’s assume he’s open to learning … some pointers:
1. you are an active participant in sex with your partner, and can slow the show down or stop it whenever you feel you are no longer being involved in his ‘intent to orgasm’.
2. the easiest way to do this is to be on top, because it’s easier for you to control the rhythm, depth and thrust
3. keep his head – and yours – in the game by telling him what you want him to do, what feels good and what doesn’t. let him tell you what feels good for him.
4. don’t by shy to touch yourself while he is penetrating you or while he is performing oral – it’s your body, get comfortable with it
5. have sex without penetration – set time aside to just touch, massage, kiss, lick, fondle, taste and get to grips with non-penetrative pleasure and sex … take your time with this, both of you must talk about what feels good for each other.
he made a good point when he suggested you try masturbating to learn about what works for you. but you shouldn’t simply stop because you only orgasmed once. self pleasure is about exploring what works for you and what doesn’t. no one can ‘give’ you an orgasm if you’re not open to it or comfortable with your own body.
also, the majority of women claim to experience more ‘clitoral’ orgasms that ‘internal’ orgasms. in other words, many don’t come with penetration alone. what is your main pleasure hot spot?
bottom line is, you have to take charge of your own sexuality and pleasure, before you can ‘change’ anything with him.
check out two columns i wrote a while back:
pleasure little treasure
what tantra taught me
November 17, 2011 at 4:14 pm
A long-distance marriage falls apart
Hi dot!
I have been married for 5 yrs now! My husband doesnt work in south africa.. We have a child together that i luv with my whole hart!
I met someone a few months ago who is also married with kids. He is everything i have always wanted in a man. We both not happy in our marraiges and have fallen in love with each other! My husband thinks all is great with us! And so does his partner. we want to be together but dont know what the right thing is to do?? I am not in love with my husband! But i do love him. I think we grew apart because he is never in the country! I need a man in my life! What do i do????we do not want to hurt the kids in any way? What to do?!?!?
November 10, 2011 at 10:38 am
this one’s pretty easy innit? tell your husband what’s going on. if you love him and it’s simply not working because he’s never in the country, don’t you think it would be fair to give him, yourself and your partnership a chance to explore all the options of making this better for both of you?
distance is a difficult thing for a relationship and it’s far easier to share the daily intimacies that bind us with someone close at hand. like this guy you met. but I’m also concerned that your you ‘need a man in your life’, means any man will do.
however, if he really is ‘everything’ you ever wanted in a man, then let’s see if the relationship you have with him is as solid as you think it is – bring it out into the open, tell your husband the truth and let everyone have the right to make their choice.
November 17, 2011 at 4:24 pm
Hi Dot,
My husband and i have been married for 6 years, we have a great sex life and enjoy watching porn together. BUT i cant seem to handle the fact that he watches porn on his own. When i ask him if he does, he denies it, deletes his history etc. I always knew he did, but could never prove it until i installed a key logger onto his pc and saw for myself. i am not sure if it is because he hides it that bugs me the most (i find it deceitful). I have asked him several times to please be honest about it rather. Its causing major issues. I feel bad because there seems to be lots of woman that don’t mind their partners looking at porn on their own and don’t know why i feel this way…
October 30, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Hi Dot,
I have a crush on someone on Twitter, its got bad, I’ve become obsessed always checking his TL. Bigggg problem I’m happily married – how do i stop. Why am I behaving this way.
Help please
October 25, 2011 at 3:36 pm
Just listened to your show on 5fm – thanks for bringing it up and replying – it was great !! Thanks Dot :-)
October 27, 2011 at 10:29 am
Your advice makes sense – it helps alot! Thank you.
October 27, 2011 at 10:31 am
ah! was it you?! i couldn’t find the email anywhere, but knew i’d read the question recently :)
October 27, 2011 at 1:42 pm
Hi Dot
My boyfriend and I are keen to try out sex toys but we’re not sure which one to start with? Can you recommend a good one for beginners that’s fun all around but not too expensive (we’re both pretty adventurous). Even though I thoroughly enjoy sex I still struggle to climax, so is there a best sex toy to help with this specifically?
Thank you :)
October 19, 2011 at 10:52 am
Hi there.
Did you see the video of the couple having sex in the air.
http://www.hecklerspray.com/was-it-raining-no-it-was-skydivers-having-sex-in-the-air-nsfw-video/201165553.php
That’s some weird shit. Its great to have people push the limits and try new stuff and all, but that just looks dumb. And Fake. Soooo fake.
Enjoy.
V.
October 17, 2011 at 1:44 pm
Hi Dot, I really hope you can shed light on this topic. I would like to to know if one is to attempt anal sex what pre cleaning and other measures must be taken before having anal sex ensuring there’s no nasty suprises and the evening can be enjoyed.
Thanks
October 12, 2011 at 6:19 am
Trading nudey pics with my ex
Ey Dotty. my ex and I dated for almost 2 years,he left me for someone else about 7 months ago. We recently started speaking again and we send nude pics. Everytime we do,I feel the erge to invite him over for sex. What should I do?
October 8, 2011 at 9:13 am
if you’re into masochistic behaviour, as you evidently are, invite him over and have sex with him. then you can agonise over whether you should go out again, whether he’ll cheat on you, when you can fuck him again and, finally, whether he’s sharing your nude pics with anyone.
been there, done that.
snip snip baby. it generally doesn’t go well from here.
October 9, 2011 at 11:29 pm
My girlfriend only has clitoral orgasms
Hi Dot,
Me and my girlfriend have a very healthy sex life. The problem is she only has clitoral orgasms. Because of this she only wants to have sex in certain positions as she has to stimulate her self to climax. Most times she does not climax and I do. I feel like there is more I can do? Please help?
October 6, 2011 at 10:29 am
Chris, most women only have clitoral orgasms – very few have vaginal or G-spot orgasms from penetration. Foreplay is important in getting her aroused and ready – us guys are usually ready to go but a woman needs a bit more stimulation. Try some cunnilingus or fingering on her to get her going or even get her off. Do a google search for techniques.
It also sounds to me like you’re not really varying postions much during a sex session. Maybe start with the position that stimulates her so that she can get off first. Once she’s had her orgasm you can change position and have yours. But do try several positions during a session (missionary, girl on top, doggie, etc) and take it slow so that you can just enjoy the sex and you can last for her – let it build in intensity. The trick is to get her close during foreplay (cunnilingus works well), then enter her and let her orgasm first then you can have your turn. If you’re having trouble lasting long enough for her (a common problem) then you should read up on orgasm control techniques for men.
Another option is to get a sex toy that can stimulate her clit before and during sex. Dot can advise on something here – the bullet vibe works well. The trick here is to get her close to orgasm before you enter her, she’s already most of the way there and she can get into a position she likes and she should come pretty quickly.
October 6, 2011 at 2:13 pm
What he said. BUT. if you get her close to orgasm and then change position i will defend her right to punch you in the face.
there is nothing worse than your partner getting the rhythm right and bringing you right to the edge only to blow it by doing some crazy weird shit like changing tempo, stopping or deciding to change position.
sometimes guys don’t realise that rhythmic and steady does it. theatrics are not generally necessary.
October 9, 2011 at 11:50 pm
Yup, what Dot said is VERY important. But what I reallly wanted to add is that we tried out our recently aquired RO bullet vibe – and my wife came within 2 minutes – highly recommended little vibe (and at a very good price) . So maybe try that out?
October 10, 2011 at 7:59 am
I’m gay and petrified of sex
Hi Dot,
I am a gay guy and petrified of sex. I’m 27 years old, and my sexual experiences are limited to one nighters that have never been successful. Whenever I get into potential relationships, I tell the guy i’d prefer to wait for sex as I “only go there when I’m comfortable with someone” – which is absolute BS as it’s all about anxiety!! I am petrified of getting intimate with someone, even though I get closer to them on an emotional level. As a result, the relationships never last.
I think the older I get, the worse it becomes. I am very sexually driven, and know that there is quite an animal in there – but releasing it is just soooooo difficult.
Any thoughts?
October 4, 2011 at 1:26 pm
Well, i’m confused. Are you petrified of sex or intimacy? What do you qualify as a one night stand?
I’m going to assume that when you’re talking one night stand, you’re talking a little slap n tickle, maybe a blow job? and that when you’re talking ‘sex’ you mean penetrative.
i have two thoughts.
the first is – you’re already having sex. penetrative is simply one form of sex. and some gay men don’t practise that anyway.
the second is – you have to be honest. You’re never going to find a partner who you can trust enough to go further with if you’re not going to be upfront with what you’re about.
The relationships aren’t not lasting because you’re not having sex. They’re not lasting because you’re not being honest.
If you can bring yourself to be emotionally close to someone, then you’re obviously meeting some quality guys …
figure out what you want from your first experience; how you want your partner to be with you and what your limits are. then, if you get to a point with someone you really like and would like to venture down that road with, sit them down and tell them everything.
if someone is going to walk out on you because you’re new to this, they’re not someone you want to be intimate with anyway.
October 9, 2011 at 11:43 pm
Swingers clubs
Hi Dot,
My wife and I enjoy watching porn together. We’d like to watch live sex though. We don’t want to have sex with anyone else but we’d love to watch other people-you could call us voyeurs. Do you think we’d be able to do this at a swingers club?
September 30, 2011 at 3:27 pm
you’ll probably not be able to do that at swingers clubs (where are these exactly?) but you’ll meet people there, find a couple you like, ask them to play with and take it from there. or you can try dating and sex sites.
October 5, 2011 at 6:36 pm
Does weight matter in the bedroom?
Hi ! I am about 8-10kg overweight, and I was wondering just how much does being overweight turn men off when it comes to sex. I constantly worry that being overweight will turn guys off, and therefore I really struggle to ‘let go’ and enjoy the moment. Can’t remember when last I’ve had a proper orgasm, as I find myself constantly worrying about my wobbly-bits…….
Do men (in general) even care? I am unconvinced….
September 29, 2011 at 10:56 am
Hi there,
No it does n `t matter, well at least not for me, and 8/10kg is not too bad. If the sex is good, then there is no problem.
Enjoy it.
October 6, 2011 at 11:47 am
My BF can’t forget the past
Hi Dot,
I am currently in a relationship. Before my bf and I started dating I slept with one of his friends (a month before we started dating) which was the biggest mistake I have ever made and I didnt tell anyone but my best friend. One day my bf was snopping through my phone and discovered what had happened through saved convo’s.
He found out +- 3 months into the relationship. This really hurt him and he got really upset. We spoke about it a few times and he asked questions that I answered the best way I could. We have been dating for almost 10 months now and in the last 3 months we have been fighting a lot and everything said or done lands up into a fight. His changed a lot and has become very secrative and defensive.
We almost broke up 2 nights ago but spoke about our issues. He explained himself by saying his shutting everything and everyone out so that he can get over what I did and block it out because his reminded of it daily.
I have apologised countless times and I have explained myself as well. He has become very nasty and unattached. He shows no affection and he doesnt talk to me. The worste thing is he says its going to get worse because he hasnt completely shut everything out.
I am confused, hurt and I dont know what to do.
Please help
September 22, 2011 at 11:23 am
here was my short answer : fuck him, move on
you have apologised, you have explained
he is punishing you and blaming his inability to move on from this on you
you did not cheat on him, you did not lie, you did not kill a little baby
what is happening in his head about this has nothing to do with this
what does he expect you do to make this right?
answer: nothing you do will make this right, because his reaction is not your fault or something you can control or make right
so you can stay and this will be a theme to your relationship for all eternity (because HE is making it an issue) – this YOU are bad, YOU are causing him to shut down, be defensive, be unaffectionate
or you can back away and go play with people who don’t abuse and manipulate you
and he snoops. never trust a snooper because they don’t trust you and never will
October 9, 2011 at 11:59 pm
Hi there
Im currently friends with benefits (this includes going out for dinner/movies/dancing, cuddling, her staying over multiple nights a week, etc), with an ex of mine. We have a long complicated history, and I want to somehow make it more. We have spoken about becoming more, but she said im not her type, and as things are it works for her but we cant ever be together.
Am I wasting my time? Is there anything I can do? Thanks
September 14, 2011 at 3:28 pm
Ahoy Dan,
My personal (unsolicited) advice would be that she has no real intentions for you (becoming an us).
Unless casual intimacy is what YOU are after I would say it’s better that you step away to pursue interests that are interested in building a relationship with you. I think one of two things will happen –
1. You both move on and find people more compatible with your individual lives and needs.
2. she realizes that you are what she wants and comes back to you to pursue something real together. (love something set it free etc. etc.)
In the short term, this isn’t easy but dude – it’s only in the short term. You have one life, don’t settle for something that isn’t worthy of your one and only life.
If you’re having trouble deciding, flip a coin.
Heads = stay and try
Tails = move on with your life
If, when the coin lands, you want to do a best of three (regardless of which side lands facing up), then you know the decision for you is the opposite. If you’re happy with the side it lands on, then you got your answer immediately.
It’s a game of chance, so is life.
Hope that helps,
Lucky
September 15, 2011 at 5:25 pm
I think this was actually dealt with on 5fm today, but I was watching the rugby, anyone got a copy of it, know where I can find a copy or what exactly was said??
And thanks Lucky, but I would be willing to do anything to be with her, I already know what I want, just want to know if its at all possible i’ll have it…
September 22, 2011 at 6:34 pm
yup – just waiting for the podcast
September 23, 2011 at 9:13 am
I want to come out …but have a 10 yr old daughter and 14 yr old son . Got divorced after 15 years cause it was easier to live the lie , untill addiction took me out .So i lost everything. I live with my parents and care for them ( one has dimentia the other is a cruel abusive bastard)
I loose hope often and have OD 6 times .Im now clean for 6months ..am i rushing things . Also I’m so lonely. I am having the divorce annuled because i was so out of it when i signed the divorce papers . The ex live’s in a 2 million r. house on a beautiful smallholding.
September 13, 2011 at 8:09 pm
hi michael
find a support group asap before you make any big decisions like coming out or annulling the divorce.
i think it’s important for you to be proud of yourself for taking the step to be honest about your sexuality and taking the actions to live your truth, but right now you’re in a very vulnerable position financially, physically, emotionally and mentally.
on top of that you’ve taken on the responsibility to look after people who are in no position to fulfill any supportive roles and, by the sounds of things, actually break down whatever it is you build up.
don’t try to do this by yourself. there are a number of groups that connect once a week (at least) that cost no money and, i’ve found, are incredibly helpful in providing perspective, support and guidance.
i suggest you browse Out to find support in managing your coming out. Visit Coda to find a space to help you cope with your existing relationships with those around you and help build healthier relationships with yourself and others. And find an NA group to help you with any relapse.
the worst thing anyone can do to themselves is think they can move through recovery or healing or grief or addiction (the list goes on) by themselves. but it sounds like that’s what you’re trying to do.
so i’m not surprised you’re feeling lonely.
look after you first. your children will get over whatever they MIGHT need to get over when you come out (and you might find, they’re actually ok with) …
you’re in crisis. use the resources available to equalise. and they are there. check those links out. find the groups close to you.
all the best
x
September 13, 2011 at 8:48 pm
Highs, hotels and guilt trips
I am a married 38 year old with 2 kids.
Since Feb this year OH and i have been experimenting with anal sex. The only way we enjoy it is when we take E.
We sometimes book into hotels for hours and the sex is incredible. What i am worried about is that we depend on the E.
We have been doing this every other weekend since Feb and every time we are done we go on a guilt trip and vow never to do it again. Hubby works away and he is only home weekends.
Is this normal?
September 7, 2011 at 3:08 pm
ola
well, ‘normal’ is such a messy word really. and, besides, which part of the question are you referring to as being ‘normal’?
it sounds like you guys have a great kink thing going on and that’s what it is, but what i’m wondering about is the guilt and your concern about dependence.
my question is, is the concern about dependence because that’s the only way you enjoy anal or is the concern about depending on highs, hotels and guilt trips to keep your marriage and sex interesting?
either way, i’m not sure that’s a plan with longevity.
and where do you fit connecting off a high on? remember any weekend like that has a protracted high – there’s the planning, there’s the come down, there’s the equalising … then we do it again. the fact that you and the kids only see him once a week, makes the short spurts of sober one-on-one connection with you kinda rare then, doesn’t it?
maybe tone it down to once a month? or try other moderately risky activities to mix things up a bit?
also, i’m not sure what your usual drug intake is like, but dropping candy twice a month for any extended period of time might not be the smartest thing for your serotonin levels. it’s different when you’re 18 and your brain and kidneys bounce back at ridiculous speeds… not so past 30.
September 7, 2011 at 4:42 pm
Como Estas Dot
I guess the candy part. I have never in my life tried drugs and was a big no no for me for most of my life. I guess thats where the guilt part comes in as it is illlegal. Also it is the time spent away from the kids..in that time we could be doing stuff as a family.
We are going to slow down now and maybe do it once a month sans the candy…?????
Thank you for input.
Greatly appreciated.
September 9, 2011 at 1:14 pm
she likes it fast, but i go flaccid
Hey DOT,
Thanks for this web page it helped me before (someone else question) And that help me with mine on that time. My question is, lately when me and my girl get it going mid way I go flasid and I don`t know whats going on. She like it fast, may that be the problem, am I going to fast maybe.
Thank you
September 2, 2011 at 8:02 am
hey – glad this here page could help you out. as for your member putting the brakes on in your rendition of fast n furious, try grinding instead of jackhammering – she might like it fast, but it sounds like your penis doesn’t … your pleasure matters also you know
September 7, 2011 at 4:57 pm
Hi,
I tried the slow thing, but still. What might be the problem with the little man?
September 15, 2011 at 8:36 am
Heya !
So here goes nothing….. I recently split from my not-so-happy, very unfullfilling marriage.
I have had a little ‘crush’ on someone for quite some time now, and we recently had a tequila-inspired romp!!! He was BRILLIANT! By FAR the best sex I have ever had. I have since contacted him, and we have had MORE mind blowing sex. Problem is…. I now find myself feeling very insecure. As much as I would like to actually spend quality time with him, I can’t get enough of him sexually. I have also been out of the ‘game’ for so long, that I don’t know how to persue this ‘relationship’?? Am I supposed to wait for his call? Am I supposed to tell him that I’m secretly interested in his personality, or do I just continue trying to convince myself that i’m capable of a fling. I don’t want to scare him away, as I lust after him BAAAADDDLY, nor do I want to miss the opportunity to have an actual relationship with him.
He’s an EXTREMELY quiet and rather reserved kinda guy…
????
Thanks!!!!!!!!!!
September 1, 2011 at 10:55 am
Hi Dotty
I don’t know where to start… Im new to the whole thing and I struggle to get a orgasm when having sex, oral or ‘handing’?? But when I do it myself, although it may take awhile, I have no problem. We do foreplay but it doesn’t work, I end up pleasing him, i feel to bad and try my utmost to ‘achieve’ some sort of climax myself, but with no luck. I really don’t know what to do and hope this won’t be like this from now on? I love my bf and we have a very great relationship – but i think this ruins some of his confidence (and mine).
Help!
September 1, 2011 at 10:30 am
Hi Scorpio,
I am experiencing exactly the same thing with my boyfriend. I thought I was alone in this world!
September 12, 2011 at 5:58 pm
I aks my man to use a condom for various resons, and make it exciting to put it on, but it keeps coming off and lodging itself inside of me…. what a turnoff, not to mention embarassing… and then renders itself useless!!!!
Why is this happening????
August 25, 2011 at 11:28 am
i’m assuming you’re talking about one man you sleep with … it sounds like the condom doesn’t fit him properly … are you sure you are/he is rolling all the way down the shaft?
August 25, 2011 at 11:31 am
Hi Dot,
I was not aware that condoms are avaiable in different sizes! And yes, I am sure we are putting it on properly…
We are quite active during sex, could that also be a reason??
August 25, 2011 at 11:38 am
they’re not really. but what can happen is that he might be losing his erection slightly while he’s inside you and with the thrusting the condom will slip off easily…
August 25, 2011 at 11:46 am
Does your BF have a foreskin? The foreskin often causes a condom to come off.
August 26, 2011 at 3:10 pm
ah good one .. yes that also
September 7, 2011 at 5:01 pm
I hate to ask an obvious question but does he squeeze the tip of the condom when he puts it on?
Squeezing it will create a vacuum and that sucker should stay on no matter his size.
September 15, 2011 at 2:13 pm
hi Dotty
im very worried about my Fiance, we seem to be having sex less and less due to the fact that she says in to big. CAN I BE TO BIG? i know im average size. we do the Foreplay to key and she would rather give me oral than have sex because she says its to sore for her .
Please Help
Worried
August 22, 2011 at 9:52 am
Hi dot
My bf is almost 40. And im 24. Our relationship has always been a rocky one. And everyone tells me i should break up with him because of the emotional abuse he puts me through. But the problem is he is so good in bed that im scared if we break up, ill never find someone as good in bed. We have been together for three years. Wat should i do?
August 18, 2011 at 5:50 pm
heya – answered your question here >> clickety click
August 25, 2011 at 11:31 am
Hi dot, my gf was a virgin before we started exploring each other. The problem is when we have sex, she complains of pain in her vagina as we get going, soemtimes this eases and it is enjoyable for her, but other times it is too painful for her to continue. What could this be?
August 18, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Hi Dorothy,
I have never been sexually active as of yet the only problem is that I am about to enter into a a relationship with a guy who has been sexually active. This somewhat makes the pressure more intense for me as a girl although he says we can wait until I am ready. We have been friends for almost 2years, we have only established our feelings for one another this year when we went to the same varsity. I fully trust him with anything and can count on him with anything. The only problem I am having is what to expect my first time to be like, I have no one really to give me the sound advice that I need. Could you please help me?
Look foreward to your reply
Kind Regards
August 11, 2011 at 5:26 pm
hi dot.
i have been sexually active for about 6 years and have had 5 or so partners. Sex is always good, however my problem is, i cannot come. i have never been able to. i sometimes felt as if i needed to wee while having sex, and a friend advised me that it could mean im a squirter, however i cannot seem to squirt or come. my boyfriends and i have tried everything, porn, toys, the works and to no avail. i am so frustrated already. even though sex is good its nothing great for me as there is climax
August 11, 2011 at 2:42 pm
Hi Dot,
I love you on 5FM….. Just a quickie… Where does one go for advice on the below…
I love my partner, he’s incredibly generous and loves foreplay but sometimes even when I am stimulated it hurts when he is inside me, I’ve seen my Gynae but he cant find anything. Could it be a mental thing? Is there someone we could see?
I’ve found my libido sliding downward big time as it hurts sometimes during or after sex.
Help! I have a gorgeous man and I feel like I’m faking being in the mood for sex!
August 25, 2011 at 2:05 pm
Hey Dot,
Is it normal to have a considerably small looking penis when it’s soft and unaroused, but then a significantly larger one once it gets excited?
Most of the time before excitement and arousal comes into play, my partner would be unimpressed, and sometimes don’t get the chance to see it in action. I’m talking a growth of at least 3 inches.
August 11, 2011 at 11:49 am
Dude, I don’t know if it’s a problem (Man I hope she doesn’t respond that its some sorta issue…egad!) – I have the same “issue”. Used to woz about it some years back, but not anymore. I’m quite small during a normal day, unaroused (abt 6cm) but when I’m aroused, I grow quite considerably (to about 16cm+ dependin on arousal). Despite this I used to fend off womens advances (ok, perhaps that “S” in advance is playing it loosely on my part) because I’d be super paranoid about their opinion, and that facial expression when they see you flaccid-that look that has you suddenly wondering if your heart could really explode through your chest cavity, or if it would just maybe sprain a couple of ribs, and whether you’d lose consciousness before or after, cos a part of you knows it would be pretty cool to see it happen. But I digress. When one particular sweet young woman, who shall forever remain my unattainable love, with whom it was never meant to be except for that one night-that young lady who gloriously yanked from me, my uncanny twenty-something year old virginity whilst in the midst of spliff-induced skepticism and the marvellous throes of a bizarre and incredulous awesomeness, calmly looked at me when I had managed to pry the proverbial balls out of my arsehole and just ask her if she was bothered by it’s size when “Spent”. She looked at me, like I had seriously suggested something along the lines of, gravity is a myth, and said: The only women who are bothered by a small flaccid, unaroused penis, are the women who can’t arouse a man. And then she’s projecting. So, forgive my lame advice, but don’t concern yourself with a woman who won’t even let the games begin..It aint you bruv..
August 12, 2011 at 11:18 am
if your partner is unimpressed with the size of your flaccid penis to the point that they don’t want to stick around for the action you should look yourself in the mirror and repeat after me : ‘thank god i dodged that bullet’
August 18, 2011 at 9:02 am
Cool, thanks guys :)
Already feel more confident!
September 5, 2011 at 10:34 pm
So my girlfriend and I are pretty serious and don’t get me wrong, I love her to bits. This is, however, my 1st serious relationship and she is the 4th girl I’ve slept with. She on the other hand has had many many boyfriends and has openly told me about hem, and about who she slept with and how many 1 night stands she has had and what kind of stuff she has done, and clearly she is faaaar more experienced in the bedroom than what I am. She also brings up her ex’s a lot and is always telling me what they did and what kind of things they did as a couple in and out of the bedroom. Do you think this is an issue? Or something to be concerned with? I also feel pretty shit when she talks about other guys that she has slept with. Any advice?
Matthew
August 11, 2011 at 11:26 am
Hi Dot,
Firstly, great site! So glad there’s finally a place to spill the beans and get to learn from other people’s experiences.
I’ve got a bit of an awkward question…I’ve recently started seeing a guy and everything is great except in bed. Not to get me wrong, he is passionate and definitely has the right ideas but the execution needs some work. He gets very turned on and by the time it comes to getting down and dirty it is very short lived…are there any tips to get a guy to last longer? Also, the whole condom issue…who puts it on? Is it a turn on for a woman to do it…do you just lie there and cheer him on while he does it…I don’t know. Always seems to kill the mood a bit.
August 3, 2011 at 3:41 pm
Hey Nats – answered some your question here [Clickety click]
August 18, 2011 at 9:18 am
Hi dot,
Firstly I’d like to commend you on yr always honest and open opinion, always enjoy catching yr comments on sashas show. Im in my mid 20s and I recently got married a few months ago. We have been together for about 5 years and I love her to bits, but only problem I have is me…
She was my first love and we lost our virginity to one another, but she had some serious relationships before me, whereas I did not have much opportunity when I was younger so she is also my one and only serious relationship. Now I have no trouble chatting to women and im quite the out going chap, but my problem is that more and more often I find myself having fantasies with other women more and more! Like whenever im out and about, or even at work and I meet a beautiful lady I cant help being rather friendly and my imagination runs wild about sexual thoughts. Like I fear that if the opportunity presented itself that I wouldnt be able to say no due to my curiosity! I really love my wife and we are happy together, like we are best friends, but also with benefits of course ;-)
There is nothing wrong in the bedroom and we are still passionate about each other and occasionally adventurous too. So why do I keep wanting more? Is it because I dont find her as sexually attractive as other women? Or is it because of my lack of other experience that my curiosity is haunting me? I’d greatly appreciate the help if you could spare me some advice, as im sure id regret it for the rest of my life if I cheated on her and I dont want to become that guy…
Thanks for taking the time to read this message :-)
August 2, 2011 at 5:26 pm
Recovery and possessive partners
Hi Dot, I am 33 and a recovering alcoholic (10 months sober) and my recently divorced boyfriend has just turned 50. He is very wealthy and has been loving, generous and kind. We shared a 3 week holiday together overseas and things were wonderful. We have been seeing eachother for 4 months but recently he has become controlling and upset with me for very silly things: 1.We returned home from overseas and I took a 6 hour time out! I was on the phone and came into his house after the break (6 hours which he pointed out again) but still greeted him and hugged him. He thought this was terribly rude of me, confronted me and accused me of always being on my phone. He said he looks forward to seeing me and I had all afternoon to catch up with my friends.
2. I was working at a show and became ill so I went home to rest. He was upset again that I went home instead of spending time with him. He said to me I was playing games and he was tired of my drama and that he thought it was not necessary to see my 7 year old nice who was in hospital. He mis-read a text message I sent him and never apologised for mis-reading it – again making something big from something so small…
3. Last night I met him and his 15 year old son for dinner and when he arrived I was not at the resturant (I went to buy jeans as he was 15 minutes behind me). He was very irritated that I was not waiting for him at the table….
I don’t mean to go on and on but while he can be lovely, the smallest things set him off. I feel like I have to watch what I say as the smallest thing could set him off. I am new in recovery and little things like this can threaten my sobriety. Is he worth it?
He sent me a text saying, he knows he can be moody and demanding but I must stick with him because he is worth it and he would move heaven and earth for me.
Last night he sent me packing after the discussion about me not being at the table and said we need this week to take a break.
Is he worth it? Do I take the break and see what happens on Friday? The alarm bells are ringing very loudly……
I enjoy catching you on 5 with Sacha and last week your advice to the lady with the boyfriend with a cocaine habbit rang so true to me! Thank you!
Jenna
August 1, 2011 at 9:27 am
Hi Jenna
I think you’ll agree that one thing addiction teaches us is how to numb and ignore how we’re feeling. You’re getting some pretty serious alarm bells about someone who has no boundaries and who does not respect your boundaries. Maybe you should listen to your gut on this one.
If you’re in recovery with a fellowship you’ll be very aware of how important boundaries and respect are to your process and to your sense of self and safety. Not to mention the work you need to do in rebuilding your relationship with yourself and building healthier relationships with people in the future.
Frankly this man sounds like he is bartering with you here: put up with his emotional manipulation, possessive behaviour and lack of boundaries and he’ll be with you for ever and a day. Do you really need an emotional roller coaster/drama now?
I’m not sure where you are based or if you have a fellowship or therapist or sponsor, but you must be aware that forming new intimate relationships with someone within the first year of your recovery is usually not advised, because of the intense work you need to do on and for yourself. Maybe you might consider find a Coda group to visit to move into the next level of what it means to form healthy relationships with people … people who do not hold your emotions, time and family and friends to ransom.
you know what the answer is. you might just need the support to take that step.
August 1, 2011 at 11:54 am
Thanks for your advice Dot.
I went with my gut and broke it off.
Again your insight is amazing. How do I get a session with you?
August 2, 2011 at 4:59 pm
good for you honey.
got divorced after three months of marriage and less than a year of dating from a guy that was pretty much a copy-and-paste of this yerk.
if he is too controlling, run, dont walk, run. every woman should make themselves knowledgeable about what is normal relationship behaviour.
and FYI, controlling behaviour is abuse, and emotional abuse leads to physical abuse. bet on it.
good for you that you got out when you did. dont let him sweet-talk you into coming back either. you really really are better off.
August 2, 2011 at 6:13 pm
@adele > i agree with running, but i’m not sure i agree with the emotional abuse leads to physical abuse. although, interestingly, an old Time article i read the other day reported on a study that revealed that the same physical pain sensors in our brain light up regardless of whether we’ve been burnt by a match or burnt by our lover. grief, rejection and loss are treated as physical matters to the body. emotional abuse = physical abuse
August 3, 2011 at 7:53 am
he he he funny
glad you did what you felt was right for you. now get thee to a support group.
August 3, 2011 at 7:46 am
Hi my wife had a baby two years ago and totally lost her sexual appetite. Is there any medical eg. sexual stimulant we could use. As there is so many products for men but none that we know of for woman. This is really causing a problem for me especially as I am know watching porn which she hates. Help!!! please.
July 30, 2011 at 6:47 pm
edited
random question. when last did you seduce your wife?
when last did you slowly and lovingly tease her? taking your time, and making sure she knows that this is for her benefit, and that she is supposed to enjoy it, and sex, if it even happens, is beside the point.
i see the problem here, is the porn. the guy walks in the room, the woman is dripping wet, and she eagerly sucks him off, he fucks her as he pleases. she rarely if ever gets any attention. and while i am a big partaker in porn, i see too many guys wanting to just walk in and fuck their woman, and then, when their woman says hell no, then she is frigid.
porn is not normal [Ed: life]. sorry guy. im sure there are women who will be ready to drop trousers at a hint, but i bet the most arent.
i wonder, who handles the kids? who bathes them, feeds them? how much do you help there? how tired is she after a day of being wife and mother?
when last did you tell her, you go off to a spa for the day, and the kids are my problem?
if you want your woman to be more open for sex, i suggest:
1. make her feel like a goddess
2. make sure she has energy for sex
3. tell her how beautifull she is (she might feel fat after bubba arrived)
4. send her flirty messages during the day, saying how you are thinking of good she smells, blah blah blah
5. google yoni massage. and do it. without expecting anything back.
6. draw her a bubble bath with rose petals and candles.
what i seem to get from you, is that the problem is a medical one, and hers alone.
maybe you need to talk to her, find out what SHE wants.
August 2, 2011 at 6:22 pm
Adele, thanks for mentioning the Yoni massage. My wife is 3 months pregnant and her libido has taken a dive, she really needs one of those !
August 4, 2011 at 10:31 am
Hi dot….love your site!!
Me and me lady have sex on a regular basis and it is really good….but there is one problem, I always seem to finnish off before my girlfriend is totally satisfied so I thought of using a supplement called Maximore and it really works great but I can’t use it every single time…you get what I’m saying. So what would your advise be to me?
Thanks for helping
July 28, 2011 at 8:53 pm
my friends daughter, her mom was asking me how does she rebuild trust in her daughter not telling the truth about going to friends house and having beer.
July 18, 2011 at 7:43 pm
it happens babe – children will experiment, they will test boundaries and they will rebel – just the nature of it. the sooner parents stop expecting their children to be toddlers forever, realise they are not them or robots to command at will, the sooner they and their children will get along
July 19, 2011 at 9:46 pm
keeping it tight
Hi Dot,
I love you website – so insightful! Anyone who talks/writes about sex as much as you do is a winner in my book! Now for my question… I’m a sexually open person I believe that sex is as important as air, food and water – if not more. If I could quit my job to have sex all day, I probably would. Oh, yeah. My question. How do I keep tight down there? I do my kegel exercises all the time (I’m doing them now) but somehow I feel like my vagina isn’t as tight as I would like it to be. How do I get tighter?
Thanks!
July 18, 2011 at 2:15 pm
crikey, how tight do you want to be? if you’re doing your kegels you can also try a jade egg or smart balls (the smaller the better), but honestly, i’m not sure how tight will be tight enough…
July 19, 2011 at 9:53 pm
penis veins
Hello Dot
Love your blog and your attitude, and your insight is wonderful.
Do you perhaps know, how much vacularity of the male penis is healthy?
I am not concerned about what is acceptable, my wife is pleased, but I have noticed, recently, when getting out of a hot bath, that the vacularity had become rather pronounced in appearence. (Like an athlete with 2% bodyfat, even the small blood vessels are clearly visible).
Is this normal, or should I rush off to a urologist, waving my sabre in panic!
Regards
“Melon”
July 18, 2011 at 10:44 am
vascularity i believe you mean. honestly, i have no idea. O_o .
eek, maybe go see a doctor if you’re worried or your man bits have changed in anyway.
July 19, 2011 at 9:59 pm
Big girl games gone wrong
Hi Dot,
I thought I was a big girl,playing a game of being a naughty slut..such fun..until I felt used,emotionaly abused,played,bruised literaly and in my soul.It ended when I wanted a new game called Im actually A Person With Feelings…am I the only silly girl who got fantasy and reality mixed up? How do I trust again? How do I enjoy fantasy role playing again? What is the line not to be crossed…am a sad lady tonight..
July 10, 2011 at 8:24 pm
puppy. we all — often and very regularly — get fantasy and reality mixed up.
in your case it sounds like you went exploring without a map and without knowing how far into the forest you were willing to go. now you know. that’s experience and it’s valuable. ‘playing the slut’ does not mean you don’t have feelings or boundaries.
i’m not sure what the story is here, but it sounds like you tried out (a possibly bdsm-related?) role play with the wrong person and without the right boundaries.
the line not to be crossed is the line at which you feel uncomfortable … when you are no longer deriving any pleasure from the play/pain/humiliation/talk/whatever takes your fancy. if your role-play partner — whether it is a new sex partner or a regular lover — does not respect your safe word or no, that person has abused your trust and their position.
this is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong. you will trust again, because you will learn to stop when you are no longer enjoying yourself. you will trust again because you will choose your partners better. you will trust again because you will inform yourself better on role play and put measures in place to prevent this from happening again.
if you feel you would like to talk to a forum where you can learn about all sorts of role-play and ask questions about how to do so safely, go to http://www.kinx.co.za.
if you feel you were sexually assaulted please go to rapecrisis.org.za.
don’t beat yourself up about this. be gentle with yourself. sluts have feelings to you know :)
xx
July 10, 2011 at 9:43 pm
Perfect in every way but THAT way
Hi Dot. I think ur advice is invaluable altho I never thought I wld be seeking it myself! Hahaha. I am with the most amazing man I have ever met who adores me and my kids (divorced for 7 years and am only 33 – he is 30) this is the man who has changed my mind about marrying again and possibly even having another child with! My problem is this…. As fantastically wonderful as he is, I cannot help wishing he was as good as my ex (bf, not husband) was in bed! I am a GREAT communicator so I tell him what I like, but his technique is just not as good as my ex! My ex was a useless ‘permanent’ promise for the future, but MY GOODNESS, how perfectly we clicked sexually! This man is ALL I want, but I’m feeling we just can’t reach the same hights sexually! I want this man in my life for a long time to cum (heehehe) do I just ‘ settle’ for the mediocrity of our love m
aking?
July 10, 2011 at 2:39 pm
heya – it’s a toughie. you don’t say how long you two have been together for, so it’s tricky, cos if it’s simply technique that’ll prolly improve over time and with more experimenting. however, if it’s chemistry you’re talking about (which it probably isnt cos you sound very into him sexually speaking) then i’d find it slightly more complicated. so some thoughts:
1. never settle but…
2. don’t get trapped in the mindset that this is all he is – sensitive lovers do learn, maybe it’s just taking some time – watch out that past experience doesn’t cloud your appreciation of something new or that it makes you start…
3. judging him … don’t be doing that … he’ll pick up on it and start feeling inadequate and then it’s all a mess
4. have you considered that you might not be as awesome a shag for him either?
5. he’s probably learnt technique from what his exes liked, so think of it as just expanding his repertoire – and this can take some time
that’s my 2c, hope it helps
July 10, 2011 at 9:22 pm
money money money
Dear Dot
My boyfriend and I had a good relationship and he was everything I have been looking for and I would have been perfectly happy to spend the rest of my life with him. So we bought a house together.
He was already tied up in another bond so my parents helped us to buy it, with the plan that he is going to pay them back rather than a bank. So it is still a bond, just not from a bank.
We haven’t even moved in, we have been renovating for the last few months and we can’t even have a conversation any more without it ending in screaming and fighting and eventually I leave in tears because I can’t stand it anymore.
We used to be so good at talking, but now we just don’t ‘get’ each other, we seem incapable of communication and we are both so miserable. I have been doing the best I can on my own (he is EXTREMELY busy at work) and he seldom has time for input, then when he hears what I have done he hates it and I get so angry because I have to undo all the work I have done and now I am looking at renovation plans he loves and I hate but I will go ahead with simply because I can’t handle another fight over it. It is never a discussion; it goes straight into a battle.
I don’t know if it is a money issue and he feels he has to control things in order for it to feel like his house? I know renovating and moving is stressful- I keep thinking maybe we will go back to normal once it is all done and we move in. I think we should go for couples counseling to learn how to communicate properly- but if I we are seeing somebody about our relationship only a few years into it when we haven’t even lived together- is there even any point in taking things any further?
I would just sell the house and head for the hills if it weren’t for one simple thing. Before this all begun he was everything I was looking for. And one year ago I couldn’t have been any happier. Is this just because of the stress of renovating or is this how it is going to be from now on?
July 8, 2011 at 2:14 pm
this isn’t really my area of opinionating — but buying a house? while he has another bond? and your parents helped you? AND you’re renovating?
of course it’s going to get hairy. what did you expect? money, bonds, inlaws … probably three of the most taxing things on a relationship.
sell the house and go see a couples counsellor. or at least go see the counsellor – if you love this man and you’re good together, it’s worth working at. and it’s not ‘too soon’ to seek help. counsellors are resources to be used to improve our lives and our relationships. we’re not born with a manual on how to deal with stress and relationships … so sometimes we just need some help.
good luck
xx
July 10, 2011 at 9:50 pm
Which sex toy?
Hi Dot
can you give us some advice on a Good sex toy that you will recommend .
I was very excited to get a we-vibe but after reading your review , i am not so keen.
Thanks
Nicolene
July 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm
hey nicolene, well babe it depends what you’re looking for – if you were looking at the we-vibe i assume you’re looking for a partner toy?
July 7, 2011 at 11:40 pm
HI Dot
Not necessarily we just heard it was Good that s why we looked in to it …
N
July 13, 2011 at 8:18 am
No sensation in my penis!
Hi Dot,
As someone I respect and who knows what she is talking about I need your opinion. In the history of my Sex life, I have never climaxed during sex?! I have no idea why though, I love the female body and am basically your typical horny male. But during sex I don’t feel anything, no sensation, to tingling, Nothing. No I have always thought it was due to the condom. But then I have tried it a couple times without and its only slightly different. I don’t want to stress over it much but honestly I would like to actually like to enjoy sex and not have to worry about going soft or not being able to feel it. Its a dumb question to ask but hell i need to ask someone.
July 7, 2011 at 9:55 am
that’s definitely not a dumb question – i think it’s patently very serious if you have no sensation in your penis. and there are too many questions for me…
> if you can get a hard-on, where’s that sensation coming from?
> you’ve never climaxed during sex – does this mean you’ve climaxed by yourself?
unfortunately this is not something i can answer. i suggest you go see a doctor.
July 7, 2011 at 11:44 pm
Thanks for the reply, No Worries.
To be honest, I do get a hard-on and yes i do get sensation in the head and helmet, I have foreskin so self-stimulation does work always .
Bit its when Im entering a woman that I don’t feel that I’m in her. Its so frikking weird and annoying because then I don’t feel anything and end up losing hardness eventually. I think its a foreskin reason.
But anyways, thanks for you time and I’ll figure something out. Im a fan of your site and you have me in stitches with your views. haha kinky bugger thats for sure. Keep it UP hehe !
July 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm
She’s crazy!
THIS QUESTION HAS BEEN EDITED
Hey Dot,
I need some advice, am dating this girl who goes through depression and fights with me occasionaly depending what mood she is in and the reason why i am, asking for your help is that i cant come up with the conclusion why i cant leave her she doesnt make me smile she tells me i cant drink socially and if i look in a direction where women walk pasts she says to me that i must appreciate her and i must be honoured to be with she can get any man she wants…
it happens occusionally like this i work away and i am gone for 4 days when i get back to give her flowers because i missed shes happy for a few minutes then i put lip ice on and she tells me why is my lips blue am i screwing hoers??? …
when i try tell her that she is the one for me and i would never do that she looks for another thing to argue when i finally pull the courage to walk away she runs after me sayin am i just gana leave?? but am unhappy because i was juded for what i have never done my family gets mocked by her and my family is my family i slept with her the sex is amazing we have had about 5 times and everytime after sex i have to assure that am here to stay? she 19 am 22…
i mean we have only been seeing each other for about 2 months she is a air hostess? ….. am trying to look at the positive side but it feels like i cant fight it any more i do love her inside but i have never been cut so short in my life by a women i keep telling myself things will get better and the fact is i dont usaully take a persons shit i leave them but with her its diffrent i cant leave her shes on ant- depresiants and she has had bad boyfriends that hit her and that forced to get an abortion once i know of she cant have children now…
i am trying my best to please her but i cant go on i have lost faith in her and myself my pride has been crushed i just say yes no yes no and i am not like this i stand up for my opinion and am lost am unhappy but i cant leave her am strong but she seems to have powerfull self asteem because she was very big and she lost alot of weight so she is absolutley beautiful…
she says she is strong and i must walk away in the beggining she says shes a horribly person and a bitch …….. ok so i told myself that i can handle her all i got to be is good to her and just show her how it feels to be loved by a man and am doing my best she wont let me go but also she doesnt want anything my statuses is about her on bbm my photos and yet she fails to do the same she fought with because my fb profile was single but yet she doesnt have a relationship status i changed it i cant seem to work her out she s beyond diffrent than any other i am an average guy with good looks i dont need a women to bring me down when am showing her the best…….please doc i think she is crazy how do i go about leaving without hurting myself i feel she can handle it but i dont want to lose faith?
July 4, 2011 at 1:08 pm
holy crap william – this is a long email with a very short answer :: run for the hills, delete her off your social media, block her off bb
she has serious issues that you canNOT help her with. her personal dramas and crisis of self is dragging you down, hook line and sinker.
you know what will probably happen to her if you walk away and stop all contact with her? nothing. she’s likely to rant and rave and scream and then? then she’ll find someone else to abuse and create her drama around. she needs help and she needs love and she needs kindness. but not in the form you can provide. she needs therapy and unless you want to spend the next five years nursing a broken person i suggest you cut all ties now.
you are only 22. you have lots of love to give and sound like someone who would do well receiving some. don’t waste your time on this accident scene. move on.
(oh and the sex is good? and she looks beautiful now? wtf. have some self-respect.)
July 4, 2011 at 2:18 pm
She says she loves it she says she wants more…
Why want she just take my head and put it between her legs as that’s how i like it ?
is wanting to be controlled by a women sexually such a bad thing ?
July 4, 2011 at 9:02 am
if you want your partner to do something you have to ask them. no one’s telepathic.
July 7, 2011 at 11:48 pm
hey spetz
i hear a tad of submission fantasy going here?
there are women out there that will tell what to do for a living bub.
but it seems you want your gf to boss you around.
well, if it aint her thing… she might never be that way.
if she is sexually inhibited, then you might have to commit to spending time to being more communicative, playing sexy boardgames for instance, i have one called consenting adults. loads of fun. breaks the ice. and if she if competitive at all, then she will have to climb out of her shell to win. i find it hard to direct my man while we are in the moment. tell her to mail you her ultimate fantasy, and play it out for her. role=play is cool too. she is the commander who is breaking in a new soldier. cop interrogating a suspect… then her role is to boss you around, and you must comply, otherwise there will be trouble!! she migh really like being a bossy bitch when she gets to hide behind a persona!
August 2, 2011 at 6:31 pm
My marriage is falling apart because of EVONY
I cant handle being alone always anymore. I tried talking to him about it, like you suggested on the dotspot, nothing helps. I am so close to quit trying. If only it wasnt for the kids. We were so good before he fell for that stupid game. UURGGGHH I hat
e that game
July 2, 2011 at 8:46 pm
surina – have you googled information about evony? it is crazy addictive. if he’s still not gotten the message, and is spending more time playing the game than he is ‘in real life’, you’re going to have to start taking greater measures to support yourself with regards to the life you want to lead and the partner and husband you want for yourself.
i’m not sure why you say ‘if only it wasn’t for the kids’? do they need to see their parents living as strangers? their mother totally unhappy? their father more interested in a game than his wife or children? is it better for them or you that your money is going into a game?
this is not going to change by itself – give him an ultimatum for addiction therapy or marriage counselling and if he does not comply, file for separation. this isn’t going to change by itself. make the decision that is REALLY best for you and your children.
July 4, 2011 at 12:29 am
If you google Evony addicts you will find hundreds of marriages falling apart because of online gaming. Try checking out this website: http://www.olganon.org. Some really insightful stuff, hope it helps.
Personally give me human touch over gaming ANY day!!!
Matt
July 4, 2011 at 8:24 am
Hi Dot
I’d like your imput or help.
When having sex with my lady, the feeling is so intense and wow that i tend to orgazim before her. I have found using a condom does dull the feeling and helps to prolong my orgazim, but it effects our sexual life.What can i do to train my mind or control the feeling to pleasure her and us together.
Regards
June 27, 2011 at 2:33 pm
Hi Dot
My fiancé and I have a great sex life but lately she has started to move really quickly in the heat of the moment which is ok for her as it leads to her having quite a large orgasm but at the same time she is putting me off by doing this. Is there anything I could do to slow her down without minimizing her orgasm? I don’t want to spoil her moment but would like to enjoy it with her at the same time.
Regards
Francois
June 27, 2011 at 1:11 pm
I have another question do majority of the women out there like to or fantasize about being banged by two guys at the same time or is that just in the porn?
June 27, 2011 at 12:35 am
Most chicks do!
September 15, 2011 at 12:55 pm
Hi DOT
My husband has difficulty in orgasming during sex and has not orgasmed for more than a year.He has no problem in maintaining an erection however his sex drive has decreased and it appears as though he has no interest in sex any more. He attributes this to stress at work.
Please help and advise on how to improve our sex life.
June 26, 2011 at 10:49 pm
how do i tell . . . . i am marrid 4 5 years i love my husbind 2 bits BUT i have 2 complain . . . . His “junk” doz nothing 4 me any more! is ther somthing rong white me or what . how do i tell him and if i do how?
June 24, 2011 at 9:47 pm
Hi Dot
I was wondering if you or anyone else can help me with this question, why do women like bigger penises cause not all of us guys were blessed with long and thicker penises so once a girl sees that we dont live up to what she was hoping we would have, then they get all disappointed? Also when girls talk to their friends and complain about their guys penis size its really embarrassing for us that we dont have the “perfect penis” that all females are hoping for but yet again its not our fault if we could make our penises bigger about 95% of us would do it but its the same with female breasts some girls have smaller boobs than others but for me (not sure about the other guys) i’m more appreciative and happy with whatever boob size a girl has regardless of how big or small they are, so why are women more unhappy with our penis size??
thanks
June 24, 2011 at 9:32 pm
hey dominic! Listen boet girl dont give a crap how big your cock is, they care about how good a orgasm you can give them!!! AND YOU DONT NEED A BIG COCK TO DO SO!!!
Work on your technique and remember foreplay is key! If you have them cumming they will stay and brag to their friens about the awesome orgasm you give! Good luck!
June 25, 2011 at 6:24 am
drawing a comparison between boob size and penis size doesn’t really work, simply because the one is an aesthetic turn-on and the other can be – for a lot of women – an actual physical matter of satisfaction. whether it’s length (reaching the cervix, for a cervix orgasm), girth (better g-spot stim or more pressure against the clitoral pads) or whatever, penis size does, very often, have a physical impact on the kind of sensations a woman’s vagina can experience.
however.
it’s not the only thing. and paul kruger has a point. if you’re a good, sensitive (as in, you’re able to listen to what is turning her on) lover and know how to please your partner, penis size isn’t going to be a problem. you can experiment with toys, use your hands, the rest of your body, your mouth – sex isn’t just about the genitals.
also. don’t confuse your ‘small’ penis with micropenises – they’re rare.
if your partner is making fun of your penis to her friends – drop her like a hot fucking potato
love
June 25, 2011 at 12:33 pm
Hi Thanks so much for the replies really appreciate it but what i want to know is where can i learn more about foreplay to improve myself to become better at it?
Thanks
June 25, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Hi Dot
i listen to you by chance this morning on 5FM and you advice was great.
i have a question for you. i have been married for 14 years now to a wonderful person who is my wife and best friend.
the problem is that for past 3months now it seems like she has just switch off and not interest in sex anymore.
she prefer we hold each other and sleep at night rather make love. when i go to touch her she moans and groans and push me away.
from having sex and making love at least 3-4 times a week we now only do the deed like once a week and that two if i am luck to get some action.
i am starting to get fustrated with this behaviour. i have spoken to my wife about three time now about this but everytime she just says that she is now in the mood or she try to put herself in the mood.
please advice what i should do.
June 23, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Hi Dotty
I love your show on 5fm, it’s always interesting and fun.
I am a young married guy with 2 kids. I feel that sometimes I do not pleasure my wife enough as I don’t last very long during sex. Sometimes its because the time between sex is a little long (like up to 3 weeks) as we have pretty hectic lives with the kids and we just don’t get the time. But then when we do I feel like its this big rush and we don’t savour it enough. Most of the time we both have an orgasm but I feel like it is forced from her side because I can’t keep control and she does not want to loose out. I am not really sure what to do.
Please could you help.
Thank you so much.
June 23, 2011 at 11:16 am
Dot, you’re probably going to ban me from your site for imposing, sorry! David, I’m pretty sure the fact that you’re only doing it every 3 weeks is the problem – you’re testicles probably pretty full by then and you’re probably pretty horny, hence the reason why you can’t last very long. Can I suggest that you masturbate regularly? There’s really nothing wrong with it, in fact it’s good fopr the prostate and it teaches you to control your orgasm. Masturbate and then just before you reach orgasm, stop, cool down and then start again. Try and pinpoint that feeling you get when you are going to come. The result is that you’ll be able to last longer. It;s something I practise myself and it works, I can go for an hour. Over and above this try and organise weekly sex dates with your wife. This ensures that you keep teh spark alive bewteen the two of you. Its so easy to lose that spark in a marriage, especially with children around.
June 23, 2011 at 12:05 pm
Hi Dot, I REALLY hope you can help me. I am 33 years old I have a daughter and happily married. I have NEVER had an orgasm EVER i really dont know what to do sometimes my husband brings it up during an argument and i really cant stand it. I really enjoy having sex but i just never get to the orgasm point i have had other partners besides my husband, obviously before we were married and there was no big O then either. I am quite a highly strung person maybe that is the reason i have no idea. I live in KwaZulu Natal and i dont know where to get help, a therapist or something i have no idea. Please help me.
Thanks so much!!
Claire
June 23, 2011 at 10:52 am
Hi Dot
I am very happily married to the best lady in the world. We have two beautifull children and couldn’t be happier. Exept for the sex, before the children our sex was great. But since the children came, we only have sex once or twice a month. The sex is still good if we have. I can have sex every day and it won’t be enough. We talked about it and she said she will try and do something about it, but not much is happening. Do you have any advice???
June 21, 2011 at 8:56 am
Dot, if I may answer this one? Jakes, I can guess the reason why your wife does not feel like having sex is that she’s tired. Kids can be very demanding and draining. Help her out (if you’re not doing it already), share in the household duties. Also, you have to make time for yourselves, just the two of you. Organise a weekly sex date, get a babysitter, go out, or stay at home, get a sexy movie, or have a candle lit dinner, give. Enjoy each other with no distractions. The trick is to make time for yourselves and stick to that arrangement. It works for us.
June 21, 2011 at 9:57 am
great response, thanks charles
June 21, 2011 at 7:22 pm
;-)
June 22, 2011 at 9:05 am
Hi Dot
I know that most guys have a decent average size penis but unfortunately i wasn’t blessed in that department so what tips can you give me so can i be help my girlfriend still have a great time in bed without my penis size being an issue?
Thanks
June 17, 2011 at 3:23 pm
Hi
Dot i have a few questions which i would like your advice on:
1) There is a saying that when a guy gives oral that he ate a girl out how can guys like myself learn how to do this or how can we learn how to improve our foreplay/oral game?
2)I’m not sure if you can help me with this question but as you know alot of guys are worried about their penis size when it comes to the bedroom, so my question is are there ways for guys like me to increase the length or girth of our penis’s without going under surgery?
Thank you looking forward to hear from you
June 17, 2011 at 3:19 pm
so, i know this guy who is going through a divorce and the divorce is not final but she lives in another province. Anyway the divorce will be final in 2 months and him and I have been chatting which has turned into flirting. I have seen him once or twice and I am attracted to him and I know the feelings mutual. Its very early days. But am I setting myself up for hurt, do I sleep with him hoping I am not going to be the rebound and get the speech after “oh, I can’t get into a relationship right now but can we be friends with benefits”. I have not had a serious relationship in a few years and I am over the friends with benefits, it was fun but now I want to meet someone and put efffort into something worth while. Flip I don’t know what to do.
June 7, 2011 at 10:36 pm
how do you know the feeling’s mutual? you’ve only seen him once or twice? it sounds like you’re dangerously close to overthinking this. anyway, are you sure this person is in any position to give you what you need emotionally? or is he just the most likely candidate to pin your ‘i want to meet someone’ hopes on?
if you sleep with someone you sleep with them because you want to, not because you expect something to happen from their side after you do. sex does not – ever – equal an immediate and monogamous relationship.
whether you’re a rebound for him or whether he’s something to fill a void for you or whether this is something worthwhile investing emotionally in (you’re already invested anyway) for both of you … no one can say for definite and for sure now. do what you feel is good for you, be honest with yourself and with him about how you feel and accept that nothing can be taken for certain in a highly emotional and volatile context such as divorce.
look after you first.
June 11, 2011 at 9:20 am
Are guys generally freaked out or accepting of women with large inner labia (labia minor)? And in terms of breast size, do you think guys generally believe bigger is better or are they not so fussed about that?
June 2, 2011 at 7:55 pm
i’ve not spoken to one man who has ever said ‘her labia was too big and her boobs too small, so i decided not to sleep with her’
June 3, 2011 at 12:58 pm
Ok so I have these married friends of mine that live in london and we chat a lot I was friend with the husband first and now we are all friends and we chat on skype often. Any who they have quite and open relationship as he is in a band has been for like 15 years so ya comes with the territory. In london only through have our found out more in the last 2 years about how big the swinging scene is over there and the huge parties @ clubs that they host these parties. So they are arriving tomorrow for 2 weeks and I did a bit of homework and living in durban I was like where the eff am I going to find a place or club so we can all go as I am single and keen to check out what this whole world is all about. What do you think or should I say what are your thoughts on these parties? The place in durban is called the silver stiletto and I started to join the website but to fully be a member I need to send a profile pic, shit I am in 2 minds but the cool thing is you can send like a pic of your legs or whatever. So yeah that’s what I wanted to ask…….
June 2, 2011 at 1:02 pm
i think you should do whatever tickles your fancy – are you checking these parties out because you’re really keen or because you want to make an impression? have they asked you about places to play? are you curious for you or curious because you’re thinking of sleeping with them or because you think they want to sleep with you? the question is: what are you two minds about and why? what is causing that confusion. figure that out first and then:
1. whatever you do do for you
2. don’t pretend to know more than you do or be more comfortable with things than you are
3. no swinging/fetish/sex club in sa is EVER going to compete with what comes out of europe
4. sign up and use a pic of whatever you like
5. be safe, keep condoms on you and be comfortable with your yes and no
have fun!
xx
June 2, 2011 at 1:18 pm
am 28 and married with one kid, i need your help on one thing(orgams),i have not reached orgasm since i was born until this day, and this has resulted me into hating sex, and i sometimes finish 2 to 3 weeks without it and i do not worry because to me its more like it does not exist and a its waste of time
i buy a loy of magazines that tlks about sex and all that just to learn on how i can rich orgasm, i even sometimes try to mastubate but still i do not come.
i have tried using the lube and some gel but still i do not come,
please assist.
May 26, 2011 at 2:13 pm
my guy recons i’m boring in bed, and i quote ‘i just can’t see us laughing and giggling and having fun in bed’.
to me, sex is getting to the orgasm. i concentrate, i have my little porn fantasy in my head, i come. it’s done.
i don’t see what is so giggly and funny.
is my head stuck in my ass, and if so, how do i remove it?
we are complete kids outside of bed, were run around in the reggies, sword fighting and huggies teddy-bears. we play x-box, play-fight, the whole schpiel, so it’s not like i’m boring all round. but, obviously, i’m boring in the sack.
what gives?
May 26, 2011 at 10:38 am
living your sex life through a fantasy distances you from the other person and from prevents you from really listening to what your body wants.
if you don’t listen to what your body wants, and live instead in your head, you don’t have to deal with uncomfortable things like being honest about what turns you on, you don’t have to be vulnerable with another person (because they then start playing an active role in your satisfaction) or worse, saying what doesn’t turn you on.
once you come out of the control space that is your head you have to face real intimacy and that is pretty scary if you’ve been hurt in the past or do not feel safe.
in my opinion, sex isn’t about the orgasm. good sex with a partner you love is about intimacy and exploring and having fun. but you can’t do this if you don’t trust yourself or your mate. it sounds like you have a lot of exploring to do. you’re not boring in bed, it sounds like you’re scared and that can come from a whole lot of places.
check out the column i wrote on tantra, there might be some points in there that’ll interest you … http://thedotspot.net/2011/05/11/what-tantra-taught-me/
May 26, 2011 at 2:36 pm
imma give it a go. fokkerasies. o_O
so much for wisdom with age
June 2, 2011 at 1:05 pm
Hi Dot
My fiance’ and I have been together for 2 and a half years. We have an awesome, functional relationship with communication and honesty. We also have a healthy sex life. The question I have is about spicing things up a bit. He sometimes likes having sex “doggy style” and I find it quite uncomfortable. I would like to try some new things (and we do) but it seems that this position is something that he enjoys – I would like to please him too. I’ve told him that it is uncomfortable for me and so we’ll stop and go back to regular positions. Any suggestions? Thanks so much Dot :)
May 26, 2011 at 10:28 am
Hello there.
I was married to this woman who betrayed me and had a kid by someone I considered a kid for multiple reason I don’t wanna waste time mentioning here. She broke up with him few months layer and now she is bragging about married someone else her first dude might considered a kid too. Right now I am having a blast, I couldn’t be happier for seeing not only what happen to her previous dude, but also how low she’s falling. She actually previously humiliated this new guy before having a kid for the last one.
Now my point is I feel guilty for been happy to see her falling a part because I know and all the situations prove she will be messing this new marriage too.
From my religious point of view it is wrong to get satisfaction from someone misery, but I just can’t stop having fun on this one.
I went trough so much because of her and mostly wasted my opportunity because of it. I had a choice and obviously made a wrong one by choosing her. A lot were said between us and it seems everything is on my favor now.
Is is really selfish do think this way? What can I do to not fall in this pattern of gruesome ?
By the way I just wanted to share and have your opinion or anyone else on this. Thanks
May 24, 2011 at 9:27 pm
Oh dot…things have gone past the point of just a crush now..we slept together, me and my boyfriends best friend. And what I think is so strange is that I don’t feel guilty. Is that normal???
May 24, 2011 at 2:28 pm
oh sweetie. well, actually that just makes it a lot easier, because now your choices are pretty simple : stay and lie about it, stay and come clean or be honest and leave …
May 24, 2011 at 2:32 pm
well said!!!! very well said!!?
May 25, 2011 at 1:48 pm
You should be ashamed of your self. The least you could of done was was brake up with your boyfriend before you sleep with his best friend.
That’s heartless.
May 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm
thanks for that kate. helpful, insightful and not judgmental at all.
May 26, 2011 at 2:17 pm
Firstly I’d like to say I completely agree with Kate. Who has the heart to do something like that and not feel guilty? Iv got two thoughts here… 1 you are mentally unstable or 2 you just just didn’t love your boyfriend at all. If you did love him you would be feeling genuinely terrible. I hope he knows about what happened. What type of a friend dose that to a friend? I wish people would just be faithful nowadays… I say this because I know what it’s like to be cheated on and lied too. It’s not worth the pain. They say treat people the way you want to be treated. Well you made a perfect example.
May 29, 2011 at 10:28 am
I need some advice..
I have a crush on my boyfriends best friend and he has feelings for me too.
Please help
May 23, 2011 at 9:03 am
Hi.
Well I don’t think this will be sucha long question but hey here we go… I’ve been together with my gal for 3 years and things has always been up and down (and that’s not in the bedroom). I’ve become well bored in the relationship sexualy and generaly for the past year or so and I’ve brought it up to her but things don’t seem to change for longer than 2 weeks then it all jusy goes back to ”normal” if that’s what I could call it.
The sex is actualy were it started in the sence of just the same positions every time and by positions I meen 3 lol and when I try initiate and other positions it JUST TO MUCH effort if u get what I meen. So that’s all made me distant from the relationship. I’ve had experience in the whole cyber jazz and I think I did that for the sole perpous that my sex life just didn’t cut it anymore. I am stuck in the middle of wanting to be happy and on the other side wanting a sexual active relationship wich I aint getting??? All this has actualy made my feelings go away and now I dunno how to get outa this hole. Please any advice would be greatfull :-)
May 21, 2011 at 7:55 am
Hi Dorothy,
Sometimes, not always, when I get sexually aroused, I sneeze. Been happening since puberty. I always thought I was strange, but after some research I found out that it is not that uncommon. Any thoughts? Know anyone this happens to? Maybe an idea for an article?
May 19, 2011 at 9:41 am
curious. though, i’d be pressed to write a whole column on it … though maybe one on odd sexual tics … it’s not really something i’ve come across at all… unless you count this one bozo i slept with that could be described as one whole odd sexual tic
May 19, 2011 at 11:10 am
Just read up on it. On wikipedia they call it sexually-induxed sneezing of Honeymoon rhinitis. The experts don’ really know hat causes it but one expert speculates that some nerves are crossed, another reckons there’s erectile tiisue in the nose that gets engorged with blood and then irritates the nose. Some people experience it after orgasm. Some have bad bouts of sneezing. Luckily I sneeze only spmetimes when thinking about sex and only one or two sneezes. However, its aeways a dead giveaway to my wife. There is very little research on the condition. Would be interesting to find out how many people in SA have this condition. I think I may write something about this on my blog sometime. :-)
May 19, 2011 at 12:25 pm
Pretty funny explaination of the condition:
http://www.esquire.com/women/sex/sex0108
Teach your nose to fuck haha!
May 19, 2011 at 12:30 pm
Could you pls forward me some contact info for Shakti’s Tantra for woman workshop, I would be very interested to attend.
May 12, 2011 at 11:13 am
all the links to her site are in-line in the actual post – but it’s a good point, i’ll include them
May 12, 2011 at 11:24 am
Hey Dotty
well i think i asked this before but never got an answer ..
My Girlfriend and myself have been going out 5 years . i Don’t think we can go a few days without sex, which i great i’m sure you would agree.However we have tried everything (i think) you know all the different positions, toys, places oral and anal. for some reason we both are always searching for new things . Do you have any for us?
this is also a worrying factor for me .. are we getting board of one another?
THANX DOTTY!
May 10, 2011 at 11:01 pm
Hi Dot,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for more than 3 years and in this time only had sex about 10-15 times.
This is greatly because she experiences a sharp pain during sex if I go more than half way in. She also explains that after about 2 min it gets really warm “down there”…
I also suggested we go see a gyno together but she is to shy, so I’m all out of ideas for this.
All the other websites hint at that I may be to big for her, but if this is true, then will it be like this for the rest of our lives, and what can we do to improve on this?
Would like your input on this please?
ps. sorry for posting on the wrong place the first time. Hopefully it does it right this time…
Thanks
May 9, 2011 at 10:44 am
i suggest she takes some responsibility for herself, her body and your relationship and sees a gynae. i understand the shyness, but all sexually active women of any age should go see a women’s health doctor annually. there’s no other alternative answer to your question and, unless you are LITERALLY hung like a horse, i can guarantee you it’s not that you’re ‘too big’.
May 11, 2011 at 8:50 am
Thanks dot,
I am not LITERALLY hung like a horse, but I can feel the end of the ‘canal’ before I’m all the way in….
Maybe I should put just a liiiitle bit more pressure on her to see the doc.
Thanks again
May 11, 2011 at 3:45 pm
My wife and I watch porn together. I have also watched quite a bit of porn in my time. Why is it so widespread in porn that the guy must ejaculate into the woman’s mouth and she swallows? I assume its a turn on for guys. Personally, it doesn’t really do anything for me. My wife finds it disgusting, she always looks away during the “money” shot. We have recently been looking at couples porn where there are very few facials. I’ve just always wondered whether facial come shots are a turn on for other guys. And for girls?
May 6, 2011 at 12:20 pm
personally, i’m really not into that at all. it’s a real turn off for me. i’m not sure what the history of the facial cum shot is, but it’s generally believed that facial cum shots are so popular for much the same reason mainstream yawn-porn is — it objectifies, subjugates and belittles women. i won’t go into the whole yadda yadda about it now, but you’ve given me an idea for column about this. thanks. so stay tuned for a more indepth answer than yes. and yes, it’s very popular with many other guys. i believe that this is generally because many guys feel emasculated and disempowered. i don’t know one gf who likes facial cum shots.
May 7, 2011 at 5:54 pm
Thanks Dot. I’m sure there are some women who do find it a turn on but I think they are a small minority. I’d prefer my porn without facials. In fact I don’t even need to see any sort of come shot. I personally prefer watching women orgasm – that’s MUCH more of a turn on for me! Looking forward to the article!
May 9, 2011 at 4:45 pm
Howzit Dot…
Recently I happened to find myself in my car whenever you have your 15 minutes of fame on the wireless. Some of the stuff doesn’t apply to us males but I rate the stuff you say (and write).
Let me return to the subject at hand, I’m a sophomore student at one of the many illustrious universities in the Cape, I have a car, I go out often, I make sure I’m well groomed, I’m in my peak physical condition (well apart from a bit of beer flab), down to earth and generally an average straight oke…
There is this girl in one of my lectures, she’s pretty cute and I find her interesting but I don’t have any clue of how to approach her…I stare quite a bit but I make sure its not overboard… I’ve never really done this before without any Dutch courage. Its very easy to say “nut-up” if you don’t have nuts but I get that all the time…nut-up and say what? What would any woman want to hear from a complete stranger in that situation?
Thanks
May 5, 2011 at 9:25 pm
Hi Dot,
I am 33 years old & my wife is 30. we have 2 children aged 3 & 6. I have an ordinary job while my wife is employed as a fashion designer & travels around the world every 6 to 8 weeks to buy jeans. We have been together on & off for 16 years & married for the last 5. We broke up often when we were younger because I,m told, I was too posesive but actually Tami slept with several guys & often on the night they got together. In January 2011 Tami went to LA where she met an old friend. She slept with him all three days & several times a day. They had unprotected sex & this guy does not know his HIV status! I found out through snooping, facebook, emails etc. She got back on my birthday & told me she did not love me. We tried working through it & eventually I tried taking my life. I am now on serious schizophrenia, psychotic & bipolor meds. We discussed divorce but Tami said its not an option! She says she is sorry but I have not seen any remorse as yet. She says that she now realises that she loves me & wants to build our marraige through God & the church. She went overseas again this week & I have experienced hell all over again & fear that were it not for the kids who I had to look after this week, I may have gone on a complete drug binge & possibly end up killing myself.
Dot, I love my wife more than anything but fearthat this will happen again…any advise will be appreciated.
Thanks
Roger
May 5, 2011 at 9:07 pm
roger. she sounds like a bitch. and i’m not one for calling women bitches, but for chrissakes. from the sounds of your mail she is reckless, abusive and a danger to your health and that of your children. unless you’re into serious emotional masochism (which many people are) why on earth are you still with her? so my advice? get thee to therapy and take it from there. and if you’re on meds, i’m not talking ‘get thee to a psychiatrist who will up your dosage’ … i mean get thee to a therapist that deals specifically with codependency. for your sake and the sake of your children. as she seems to have shown you no respect, i wouldn’t worry about her feelings in the least.
May 6, 2011 at 8:48 am
I recently got to know an old friend a little better and realised how seriously attracted to him I am. ( we were both in relationships when we met)
I know he is not the type to flirt and when I thought he might be flirting with me I realised that that’s just how he treats all girls.
I cant seem to read him though and have no idea if the attraction is mutual.
Having said that, I am really just looking to have some fun and am very much not interested in a relationship.
So, should I flirt my ass off? How will I tell if he is into me too?
Lou
May 5, 2011 at 12:30 pm
Help!
I checked Internet browsing History and Hubby has been checking out ‘Zoo Tube” – Dog sex & Animal sex .. I just need to throw up in my mouth a little.
MMM… should I be disturbed? Is this ok? I don’t know what to make of this? What what what?
I can handle him watching Milfs – but this.
Dont ask why I check the history – I just do!
Love and happiness!
May 5, 2011 at 11:14 am
looking to do this one for #thedotspot on 5FM …
May 11, 2011 at 4:01 pm
Recently a guy that was at school with me contacted me and said that he has been in love with me since school.
I didnt think much of it, as its already 14 years later.
Then we started chatting and we got more involved. I developed feelings for him. Im involved more than i want to be.
The problem is, is that he is married. He’s not been married for very long, about 2 and a half years.
I believe that men look for adventure in their marriage. They dont screw around because they love their wifes less, its just that they lack something in their marriage.
Is it wrong of me to wish that he would leave his wife for me? Im to selfish to have an affair.
Should i just forget about him? Should i move along swiftly and just pretend that this never happened?
Im not very religious, but can i pray that he leaves his wife?
I seriously need advice here. If its from a complete stranger, i think it will be easier for me to accept and do.
Thanks
Charlene
May 5, 2011 at 10:32 am
baby you know the answer here. but in case you don’t, here’s a rundown:
• he’s not going to leave his wife
• if he’s loved you since school, why didn’t he say something earlier
• you don’t know what’s going on in their marriage; he could be married for 2 years or 20, it makes no difference
• you’re making assumptions about what’s happening in his marriage instead of focusing on what you need in your life
• selfish is good; your needs are important
• you can’t pretend this never happened, but you do need to look after your own heart — he goes home to a family, who do you go home to?
• he is not going to leave his wife while he can have a home AND a mistress
dump his bum and if he’s serious he’ll make the choices he needs to to be with you … of course, you might have to deal with the reality that this will very likely not happen
good luck,
dot
May 5, 2011 at 11:13 am
I’d be interested to see how this turns out… I’ve thought about it, but it seems like a no-return cliff in a relationship after which you can never really get back what you had…
Any success thus far?
September 15, 2011 at 3:28 pm